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> Husband Is Pastor And Views Internet Porn
lin
post Mar 1 2008, 08:00 AM
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This is the first forum I've ever tried, I just don't know what to do. I remarried a few yrs. ago, after having been married previously for 25 yrs. to Christian with horrible violent temper, severe lying problem, serious involvement in porn, etc., it was very bad from day 1, but I had faith and know God hates divorce. Anyway, my new husband has some of the same issues, I knew about some before we married but stupidly overlooked them because I didn't want to lose him or risk being alone. The sad thing is is that I am an educated professional, and know all about "the grass is greener", enablers, etc., and yet here I am. My husband was born Deaf and has been leading a small Deaf church in our town for a few years. The Deaf community is very small and they absolutely love him, they of course only see the wonderful part of him. They don't see the moody, swearing, selfish person I do. He works full time but then spends at least an average of 40 hours a week playing an online computer game (the kind where he interacts and plays with other players around the world). This has been a HUGE issue, as he stays up everynight till 1 or later, and then sleeps until 9 or whenever he feels like going to work. His work allows flexible hours. I have gone to bed alone almost every night and he has lost interest in sex. We argue about the game constantly and I've explained the hurt and abandonment I feel in every way I can think of. He says he likes to play and won't be controlled by me, even when I'm just asking for a compromise and some balance, even limiting game to 15 or so hrs. a week. I have been suspicious of porn use and check his history periodically. Sure enough, there is a horrible online porn movie that pops up repeatedly in the history. I'm sure he doesn't think I know how to check the history, I do not know much about computers but he is very VERY knowledgeable about them. A long time ago I saw something on his computer and asked about it and he says spam shows up even if he doesn't open it, or something like that. So, before I confront him (and I would value wise opinions on how to do this, I really want this marriage to last, I'm so sad and afraid...) I need to ask anyone who is a computer expert if: When I check his history, and I see websites listed, does that mean HE ACTUALLY HAD TO GO TO AND OPEN THOSE SITES?? I don't want to "accuse" him and have him lie to me and say they just show up whether he opens them or not. He has admitted before he is an expert liar and I know this to be true.

I don't know how we could even get counselling since all the Deaf people know all the sign language interpreters. If he knows I checked his history he will be furious and accuse me of not trusting him, spying on him, etc., and he will either put a lock on his computer to prevent my using it or will just erase the website every time he looks at it. If I ask him to add a filter he will accuse me of no trust and is an expert at making it be my fault.

Also, a few months ago another deaf guy from our church asked the guys for them to make him accountable to them because he admitted having a porn problem. It is so hypocritical. All the people in the church look up to my husband so VERY much and he is a role model for them. I don't want that destroyed, I just want him to be the man of God that he was intended to be. I'm sinking into such despair and sadness. I think there is a strong possibility he also has some kind of narcissistic personality disorder...even when I am sobbing hysterically and pouring out my soul to him, I usually get no positive response. Any help and prayerswould be greatly appreciated. I know porn is a serious problem for many Christian men. The lying and the online game ADDITCION does not help.
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semi
post Mar 1 2008, 05:13 PM
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lin -

Yes, pornographic porn spam can be directed to any mailbox. Some programs might reduce the incidence of it but spammers have ways of getting around the screening.

Unfortunately, if you have actually checked the History which is stored variously for E-mail, Internet addresses, and History files and if porn sites are found there, then yes, he had clicked onto those sites.

He could un-suspectingly click onto those sites, but if there are numerous such sites recorded, then, No; he is likely deliberately visiting them.

Shalom.
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Glen
post Mar 2 2008, 08:28 AM
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Hi! Semi has already answered the history question, so let me address the marriage and ministry, being a married minister, myself. These posts obviously aren't enough information for anyone to make judgment but let me share some thoughts that come to mind for you to pray about.

It's one thing to intend to live a sin-free life and mess up, ask forgiveness and try again...all of us Christians do this, and all have done it. A person who does this is pursuing Christ and is is fully qualified to be a minister. It's another thing to be pursuing a sinful life, to lie about it, and, when confronted, refuse to correct your behavior. A person who does this should not be leading Christians until he is restored to the true pursuit of Christ. The book of 1st John has a lot to say about Christians in both of those conditions.

As his wife, you have a right to expect him be sexually faithful to you. You have a right to leave him if he refuses. So far as being alone, your post suggests to me you already may be alone.

I wish I had a better encouragement for you. I suspect, if you pray for the Lord's wisdom in this matter, you'll come to the right conclusions.


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Glen


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lin
post Mar 2 2008, 10:36 AM
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Hello, first I want to thank you for both of your responses, they are helpful to me. I don't feel like I'm quite so all alone in this. I am really wondering how to bring this up in a loving way. I know I can't just ignore it. I bought the books, "Every Man's Batle" and the one for wives. I thought of reading the one for wives to see if there are suggestions as to how best approach this. I want to give him every chance to respond positively and not with anger.
When we arrived home from church today I told him I felt we should pray specifically in every room that it would be a holy room (we moved in this new home recently) and that satan would not be given a threshold, that he would not influence any of the rooms in our new home. My husband was already at his computer, playing his online game, and said ok, so I said since we are in this room(the great room, where he usually has his laptop set up), lets pray for this room first. He said "tomorrow". This tells me there must be incredible spiritual warfare going on, he doesn't even want to pray in that room for it to be a holy place. Very scary.
So, here are my additional questions:
1. any suggestions on how to approach this topic without me seeming accusing or "untrusting-and sneaking behind his back looking at his computer history" which I am pretty sure he will accuse me of.
2. once he knows I'm aware of that history, I'm afraid he may still try to deny it, or say he didn't look or whatever, then he may just always erase those particular sites visited. Is that possible? That once he visits a site, can he just delete it from the history without deleting everything else? I don't want him to try to trick me into believing he has stopped this if it is still going on.
3. I believe he truly has an additiction with this World of Warcraft online game, it is a veyr high priority in his life and like I said he puts over 40 hrs. a week into it. He can sit and play 10 or more hours at a time straight. Does anyone have experience with this problem? I'm wondering if that can be part of why the porn interest is there. Or just being up into the wee hours of the night with no chance of anyone looking over his shoulder?
4. How long do these posts stay online? Do they drop off after a few weeks or months?
Thank you for any help anyone may have. Lin

PS, maybe I should let him read this post, bring it up that way? I am so afraid of approaching it the wrong way. He must be going thru an incredible struggle too.
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Glen
post Mar 2 2008, 08:11 PM
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I've never known a gentle, trusting, inoffensive way to confront an addict about his addiction, so, if you find one, you let me know. The fact is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want to stop. Only he can do that. I took a hard line in my post, because I understood from your post, you had already begun discussing this and he already has begun refusing to change and lying about what's happening. If that's true, you're not going to break through to him by being the stereotypical submissive Christian wife. Unless he thinks his addiction will cause him to lose something important, he will not be interested in quitting. Bathe everything you do in prayer. It sounds like you're prepared for him to deny and deceive. If he won't deal with this issue in truth and cooperation, for anything to change, you'd better be prepared to bring something more than a request.


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Glen


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daughterofzion20...
post Jul 2 2008, 10:31 AM
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Hi Lin,

How are things going with you now? I saw your post and was so consumed with concern about what you are passing through because I have a very good friend and fellow sister in Christ who is passing through the same ordeal. I know its been 3 months since you posted and so I am eager to know how you are doing.
Like you stated there are many christian men with the problem of porn, adultery etc and the internet has really made it accessible to them even some christian women have this problem. This is just the strategies of the evil powers of this world released by satan in these last days to destroy marriages and the lives of men. But I know God is able to deliver us from all types of addictions.

Please do not relent in your prayers and do not give up on your marriage. Our God specializes in the impossibilties, many have been delivered from this powerful addiction and so it is not impossible.. Continue to cry out unto the Lord and trust in him for the life of your husband.. He is battling a powerful spirit and currently in bondage but I know the Lord will open his eyes to see the damage he is doing to himself, his home and his ministry and set him free.. He will testify.

It is well!!!!!

Taykems
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desinner
post Jul 16 2008, 08:14 PM
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Lin,

just read your post. I can see that from your initiative to improve the situation, you must be a strong woman.

I am not sure if I can help you but this is from my own experience.

i used to surf a lot of porn, also played a lot of computer games, whole nighters. Didn't play warcraft, played counter-strike mostly but it's just as addictive. I'm not sure how satisfied your husband is with his life, altho he may seem so on the outside. For me I'd go to work, I'd have a ready smile and seemingly ok on the outside but generally, I'd be depressed, moody or worried or just generally gloomy about life, and the directions I was going. I was either angry with things or people, confused about my future direction, depressed about life, or bored with life. So to me porn was an escape. Everytime I surfed/watched porn, it seems I was distracted from my troubles and the niggling worries of life. But the trouble with this kind of escape is that over time, you need more and more of it to reach the same level. And after awhile, even when you're not doing it, you'd be thinking about it. I guess you could say I was addicted to it. I mean, I wanted it bad enough to forgo outings, or doing other things just so I'd get an opportunity to watch porn. tho my girlfriend didn't really accuse me, but if she had ever accused me of having a porn problem, i would have told her to shut up. Addicts, are like that, so you may have to study how to approach someone with an addiction because the truth being told may just end up with yet another argument.

As for computer games, it carried a similar kind of reward. Slightly different in a sense that you get to kick major-[butt] when you're playing. I guess I carried some kind of loser mentality (not saying it's the same for your hubby), I was depressed most times and it felt good to "win" something even tho it was only a virtual reality. Up all night sometimes playing and wake up half dead the next morning. This was a lot easier to give up than porn, tho it depends how needy the person is.

For me i guess it came to a point when my professional life and personal life was starting to fall apart. And I thought that even tho my depressed self said that my life was crap, I could see that it was going to get a lot worse if I continued down the line. And like you hubby, there were times when I acted like a stone when my girlfriend was crying away and sobbing after one of our arguments cause she couldn't understand my "shutting off" the whole world persona. I wasn't trying to be narcissistic, I was just afraid to hold her and calm her because those were times when I felt so weak. I'm not saying that this is how your hubby feels, but my thinking was "I can't even help myself, how can i help you", so it was easier to just stand there and let her cry by herself, and hope that when she finishes her crying everything will be allright. But of course, things go in a circle and same thing happens. I guess I wanted ti change things so I have stopped the watching and games for now. I don't know for how long but i'm trying. I have joined a Martial Arts class, twice a week. I work out too, figured that if I was going to be tired of life, I might as well be physically tired too. Basically trying basic things that will work my body and then my mind, step by step. Of course, most important is I wake up in the morning and ask God to help me keep my hands clean and my heart pure. I'm not pressuring you to do anything but without my girlfriend's help and support, her willingness to stay by my side, I would not have taken the extra effort to change things. GOd knows there were many times I cursed her for trying to talk to me, trying to understand me, trying to cheer me up while at the back of my mind I could only wish she'd leave me alone quick so i got time to watch porn or play games. I took the extra steps because I reached a point when I knew I would break, as a person and a man. I am only afraid that your hubby may not see things soon enough, and the pain of trying may get to anyone, even a strong woman like you.

if anything, I felt that in the past whenever my partner tried to talk to me with a "we need to talk" statement, I would just clam up. I'm not sure if it's a guy thing but I noticed for myself, it's easier to "have a talk" when it's not approached in a serious manner. I know it's weird, but the more serious something is, the easier to talk about in a calm, friendly, manner. Nowadays, when my girl needs to talk she goes "eh buddy, wanna have a beer". instantly it lightens things up. If you usual approach ain't working, maybe you could try a less straightforward "let's talk" apporach.

A lot of the things I did were not personal to my girl, tho she must have felt it. I did what i did to "escape" the realities of my life. until i couldn't anymore. I guess i found other things to escape to, think God would approve of them. I'm hoping that in time, your husband would see the light too, and well as appreciate someone who cares for him deeply.
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semi
post Aug 28 2008, 06:55 PM
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Hi desinner -

Good Testimony and advice. Had to change a word on you though.

Shalom.
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Glorey
post Aug 30 2008, 05:18 PM
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I know this post is somewhat old, but if you are still about, get your hands on any and all books by Dr. Doug Weiss - He specializes in this kind of thing and has several very good resources.
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funtastic89
post Sep 14 2012, 06:11 AM
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Hi there,

Every addiction comes from an unloving spirit that has either entered through something that's happened in your life like feeling unloved by your parents, self issues, abuse etc and/or it can be a generational curse of perversion, uncleanness, lust, fantasy, unloving.

I had a pornography addiction for 6 years and after repenting of my sin and my forefathers sins which the bible tells us to do it left me and was completely free with not even the thought of looking remained. Before I would be constantly repenting for my sin but it was always pulling me back into it until God showed me that there's more involved then just repenting of the sin.

Feel free to message me
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