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> I Am Confused On What To Do!, what do i do?
valentina
post Sep 28 2012, 12:04 PM
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Okay well let me start off by saying I’m seventeen and a female and I wanted to know what other people of my "relationship" with Christ will be.

so it was summer starting my freshmen year of high school when I met this girl, we have grown very find of each other and I always had her back as well did she with me and we would always be at each others house and when I needed someone to talk to she was there for me we became the best of friends and more than likely a very big part in my family and I came into her family...oh and her name is Nicole me and her have grown within the same church as well
When things happened...

so it was December 22, 2011 and I was just on the computer conversating with different people when this guy showed up named Israel and we started talking and conversating when he asked if we can talk on the phone I said of course I was already happy because he had a relationship with God and he seemed like a good guy so all that night we talked till 6 a.m. I fell in love and so did he, I have never honestly felt like that toward any guy and trust me I have had my share of guys (a lot) but I still a virgin waiting till marriage but anyways for three days we did endless talking and more and more everyday we fell deeper in love with each other, on December 25, at 2:14 a.m. he proposed to me and I said yes (at the time I felt that I was in love) I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy
When things happened…
I found out about two months later from a close friend of mine and his that he was talking to other girls, I confided him in it. He told me no (of course) I was heart broken because I had a gut feeling that he was but anyways I told him that I needed a break because I needed to get my head/act together, we agreed. EVERY NIGHT I cried over him and my best friend Nicole was there, and one day he texted me and told me that he wanted to call of the engagement/wedding, I cried all day (I’m crying now) at the end Nicole was there for me and to find out that him and her were the ones “talking” (I looked through her phone, I know that was a bad idea but something told me to) I had a rush of emotions didn’t talk to her for weeks, until one day she called me and she apologized and said sorry for the way she made me cry and sorry for talking to him and I forgave her, it was good for awhile until I noticed that her phone was always attached to her and she would be on the phone late at night when I would spend the night. So I looked through her phone again THEY WERE STILL TALKING and using cute pet names!

I thank you for the person reading this and taking the time to give me advice and I just want to know if I should just cut them both of and go on or something else, I’m confused hurt and don’t want to handle this the fleshly way…
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Xanys
post Mar 27 2013, 09:38 PM
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Oh sweetie... How I've been down that road you've taken... There was a guy that I met online that I got engaged to. I won't say that online dating is bad, because I'm sure in God's will, things can work out, but it seems they rarely turn out good. Think of it this way: People can create who they want others to perceive them as when its not in person. However, it is hard to do that when in person.

I have prayed to our Dad for guidance and I've come up with a list of advice that I wish someone had given me when I was in a similar situation, such as this. I do not know where your understanding lies nor where your Spiritual walk is, so if I give advice that you already know, please forgive me. <3 I do suggest that you pray before and after reading this message, just to make sure God gives and keeps in you any message that He portrays in me.

((Soooo.... I was also going to make this just a page long, at most. But, I prayed for nothing but His guidance for you and opened my mind to anything that poured in, so its... a bit long. I'm so sorry but I really feel like this is from God so I have a hard time deleting anything.))

Now... let's take this step-by-step.


1. Should There Be Distance and How To Handle Emotional Situations?
Time and time again, when reading the Bible you will see that many people will take some time away when they feel overwhelming emotions. Many would be counseling a stubborn king that will not see what is right, and the advisors/prophets would get frustrated God's message was still not received even when the truth was blatant. Even Jesus was faced with overwhelming emotion. The most prominent of this was when tears of blood ran down his cheeks from crying so hard while praying about his approaching crucifixtion. He even says, "'My anguish is so great that I feel as if I'm dying....'" (Matthew 26:38)

What they all have in common is that they took themselves out of the situation, into a healthy private place, and brought everything to God. They knew that overwhelming emotions can cloud our judgements or could represent us in an ungodly way. Therefore, they took some time away to come to terms and cool down. The biggest thing is bringing it to God, too, because our Father is always there for us and in control. We just need to seek Him and spend some time with Him. =)

So, yes, I say put some distance. Definitely do this until you can make a decision and handle the situation without emotions clouding your thoughts and opinions. (There's no time limit to this. It's whenever God places it on your heart. For my ex-fiance, it was over a year--almost 2--but we were in a 6 year relationship.)

Should you put these people completely out of your life? Consider it a strong possibility. It may hurt rediculously a lot, but God does it for a reason. God took out a number of people from my life and I let it break my heart. I sought out those people and God allowed me to find them. You know what he showed me? Each of these people hurt me worse than the heartache. One was even a molestor. So, it may hurt now, but I promise you, sweetie, that God has your best interest in heart. Trust in that and I'm sure the truth of why it happened will be shown to you.

In the mean time, just spend time with God and build your relationship with him. Read the Bible, research what He would want you to do in certain situations, pray, and talk to Him.



2. What To Look For in Love And Friendship
Love is not just an emotion. In fact, a Spiritual reference booklet I have defines REAL love as “not being based on emotions or feelings. It is a decision committed to the well being of others without any conditions or circumstances.” A better reference, the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

What does this mean? Real love is, no matter who or what they’ve done, that a person shows someone patience, kindness, is not proud or looking to be above others, is humble, is looking out for the interests and well-being of others, does not think of themselves, is slow to anger, seeks what is right, dwells in the truth, and puts away anything that is wrong. Real love protects and perseveres in the goodness of others. All this and more.

We all can show these qualities. However, just because some of it is shown does not mean we can overlook when we fall short in showing real love. I can say that in myself I can hold a record, have pride, and my anger clouds my judgement. This—and more—God is holding me accountable for. So, overall has your friend and this guy shown you real love? Are they showing you kindness, looking out for your best interest, seeking what’s right, and dwelling in the truth? It seems they are doing the opposite; looking out for themselves, their own interests, and not looking for the truth nor what is right. Now, it seems you have recognized that you shouldn't react without love, also. For that, Spiritual brownie point for you!

Before I found this guidelines of love in the Bible, I leapt into relationships based on what I first perceived. What resulted was a broken heart that misguided and jaded me for many years. Which brings us to our next part.



3. Guard Your Heart
Talking with this person feels like the truth, doesn’t it? It feels so right and so great. You can think of a number of “facts” presented to you that show that this person is right for you. And suddenly, in time, those facts turn into lies and that love turns into the deepest hurt.

I will give you something that my Young Adult Minister told me: When God flooded the Earth he picked the VERY BEST of mankind—Noah and his family—to be the only survivors. With them was the hope that the human race can continue a path of righteousness and goodness. But after God flooded the earth, wiped the slate clean, and built everything for this new righteous path… do you know what he said when THE MOMENT Noah and his family left the Ark? “…Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, EVEN THOUGH EVERY INCLINATION OF THE HUMAN HEART IS EVIL FROM CHILDHOOD.” (Genesis 8:21)

Even after all that, God still recognizes that there is a darkness in our hearts! Proverbs 4:23 then says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Our heart is a precious thing. I’m sure you’ve seen how someone who is dealt a bad hand has become someone bitter and hate-filled. That’s because their heart was not guarded. Sometimes life deals such a hard blow that no amount of guarding can keep the heart safe, but there are ways to prevent as many scars as possible. We do this by remember that even the best of us is cursed with a darkness in our heart. So, when associating with people, there must be a balance: Show love, understanding and fellowship, but be wary and cautious. Don’t be overly cautious where you block people out, though. (Again, balance!) Have patience and keep a watchful eye of how spiritually good a person is. If they are, seek them out as kin and a friend. If not, still show love and patience; Not as a kin and friend, but as one person to another and who needs to be a representation of God. Trust me, even the best facades will fall and the truth will show. Prayer and turning to God speeds the process up! And sometimes your kin and friends will fall short sometimes. Either way, this is spiritual warfare and we need to help each other to win the battle!




4. The Fruits of Labor and Spirit
So how do we know someone is spiritually good in God’s eyes? Luke 6:43-45 says, “No good tree bears bad fruit, nor bad tree bears good fruit…The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”
Understanding will not only show who to keep close in our life, but who are the people we need to seek guidance from, who we need to help and what we need to fix in ourselves! Here’s how a reference booklet explains what is good fruit and bad fruit of the spirit:

Good: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control

Bad: Sexual immorality, Debauchery, Drunkeness, Filthy Language, Selfish Ambition, Fits of Rage, Evil Desires, Impurity, Jealousy, Slander, Malice, Idolatry, Hatred, Lust, Envy, Greed, Anger, Deceit





5. How To Handle People Who Are Not Acting Righteously
So… you’ve reached a point where you are not controlled by your emotions. How do you handle this situation? Long story short, I lived with someone that did lying, slander, deceit, and many things that was tearing the household apart. I wanted to know how God wanted me to handle this. I prayed, closed my eyes, randomly opened the Bible, and my finger pointed EXACTLY to this verse:

“If your brother and sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one of two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17)

Ok, ok… if I read this at a certain point in my life, it would have either not made since or would have seemed harsh (especially the last few words!) so let’s break it down:

1. Confront the person. Do this with God’s guideline of real love and good spirit. (Patience, kindness, understanding, gentleness, slow to anger.) Tell them that they have wronged you and why this is bad. If they stop, set it in the past. If not, see step 2. (Obviously, you have already done this, so let’s go to the next step.)

2. The confrontation does not work. Either they disagree or they continue doing it later. If this situation reaches beyond you and this person, and many more can confirm it, then seek these more witnesses to talk with the person. There power in numbers and sometimes it gets through to people. This rule doesn’t always apply, though. For me, it did because the housemate was effect other members besides me in the household. However, for you and your situation, this may be skipped over and just something that’s used for future reference.

3. If multiple witnesses do not work, bring the person to a respected spiritual counselor or even to references in the Bible that show their actions are unrighteous. Explain what they are doing, how it is against God’s wishes, what this does to people around them (you as an example), and what going against God’s wishes will ultimately do to them. I could not do this in my situation because my housemate was not a Christian, so God and the church had no weight. However, it seems your friend and this guy are acquainted with God, so this is definitely something that could work.

4. Sometimes, despite all other options, the person still doesn’t understand. This is because, for many possible reasons, they don’t have a strong enough relationship with God or convictions of the Spirit to guide them. For this, the verbatim of the verse is “treat them as a pagan and tax collector.” Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? But that may be because modern definitions of the words have came from hateful ideas and judgements. That is NOT how God sees it. I had to look at how Jesus acted around tax payers and people away from God to fully understand that this isn’t an insult. Jesus spent most of his time having fellowship, speaking, and just being a friend and teacher to these people. He had dinner, laughed, and walked with them. He lead by example. Jesus showed love, but he had that distance that we spoke about earlier.




6. Relationship with God
Last, but certainly the most important, is just seek a closer relationship with God. Every time we are put through hardships and trials, God can use these moments to not only teach us but to also bring us closer to Him. Think about it this way, how do you get closer to someone? By going through things with them, getting to know them, and asking questions are one of the biggest ways. God wants you to ask questions, seek Him out, get to know Him and what He has planned for you. Research values and questions you have in the Bible, pray, and talk to God. In the end, He will not only lead you out of this storm, but a stronger relationship with Him will give knowledge and wisdom for a better path. By putting God and His teachings first, you will see with more clarity what is a good and bad, what to do and not to do.


*breaths* Ok! So I just tossed in everything that I have researched, noted, highlighted, found, read, and saved on this subject. I hope, somewhere in there, there is at least a little something that can help. I will continue praying for you! If ever you have any questions or input on this, if I haven't scared you with my wordiness x___x, then by all means, please present it! <3
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