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> Pornography/masturbation Addiction + Same Sex Attractions
yerhspete
post May 26 2013, 12:30 PM
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Hey guys, I'm new to this forum. I saw a lot of interesting threads and thought perhaps I'd benefit from some advice from all of you. Here's a gist of my situation:

I have constantly struggled with same sex attractions since I was a kid but I never knew these were "sexual" in nature. I was quite shy in general and my mom was the dominant member in the house (as my dad often used to travel and was pretty much absorbed with his career.). My mom used to work hard as a professor and we had a few house maids, one of who was a young man. This person was sort of ohysically violent with me (beating me, yanking my hair out and throwing me across the room when I refused to eat etc.) and I tried telling me parents but they thought I was making stuff up.

Anyways, fastforward to a few years, we moved to the US and the change was really tough on me. I was often bullied in middle school and high school and I remember always sitting in the library just to pass my lunch time without having to go through all of that again. At the age of 12, I remember I would get called gay a lot and at the time, I didn't really know the meaning. A lot of factors just cumulated and I started exploring gay pornography and it was something that I got addicted to since then and still am until now (I'm 24 years old now.). My family is religious in that we used to go to church every sunday but didn't really have bible study sessions or anything like that. At about 20, I was self-interested to strengthen my faith and proximity to Jesus and try following his word, thinking that it will cure me from my "flaws". Obviously it was never that easy.

I am still struggling with pornography and masturbation now and it has been a tough tough journey especially when I can't share it with anyone. Regarding the same sex attractions, I have now figured that I just want to be accepted as a man and hang out with other man as nothing more than a friend. The trane bit is that I watch gay pornography but in real life, it repulses me. I don't know how to explain it. It makes sense and even appealing in a fantasy world, but the same thing makes me very uncomfortable when I come out of that virtual world (of pornography.)

I don't even know how my mind works sometimes. I am trying my best to pray to God when I have the urges to watch pornography but I guess the flesh is too weak even if the mind is willing. I really want to conquer this addiction but I feel like so many factors are pulling me down. In the future, I just want to be a devout christian with a loving wife but I don't know if that would even be possible. I have never acted on my "virtual" same-sex attractions in real life. I am still a virgin and I don't see anything wrong with that. My biggest fear is that I don't know which gender I'm sexually attracted to. I have prayed on numerous occasions but I'm just lost.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this long post and I would be very greatful to any advice I receive. smile.gif

P.s. sorry for any grammatical errors or confusion on my part as I did write it in a hurry.

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