thank you. i know that these words you share are truth. i have always looked to human relationships to seek eternal joy. i have been so confused by what the world defines as "love" and "trying" to do and be everything perfectly to have and know that "love" and share that with others. now, that God has graced me with a husband here on earth who loves Him with all of his heart, all of my pride/fears/ insecurities are coming out. it is ugly and scary. whether what we have said or done is right or nice or not...whether the choices we've made are right or wrong...the truth is it doesn't matter as much as what the truth is. what Jesus is. He is shining His revealing Light on us and i am experiencing reactions from the darkness within. i choose Jesus, my Rescuer, Greatest Love, and Savior. i want to want to give my whole life to God however it is that He wishes. Matthew 6:33 Seek ye first the kingdom of God... it is time to give my life to God. and believe me i thought i was doing that until this all came to a head. all of this tension and sadness in my life is forcing me to see this and take action in my own relationship with Christ. to truly take action. i thank God for followers like you all, friends in Christ, my true family. my biggest concerns are that i hurt my husband so deeply that he will never trust me. i find that i'm irritable with others and uneasy around him lately. i'm afraid that i'll never have a REAL relationship with my husband. but that goes back to seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all the rest shall be added unto you. and asking for His forgiveness, seeking His peace and trusting His Love. i can't just believe these things anymore, i must LIVE them. so i am asking God to put a desire in my heart to truly know Him and to teach me to give my life not keep it. He is doing that right now! this is the hardest thing i have ever done because i have always looked to the world for my identity. so often and for so long my world has been my relationship. now i know and see that God has to come first in ways that i never knew before. i just wish i had the eyes to see and the ears to hear before my husband shut down. but i do trust God and i believe He is preparing us for work together in His Name. thank you for listening. God bless you and my prayers are also with you. i am so grateful that you keep us in your prayers. i hope to give others what God has given me thru this experience. it is still very painful and terribly scary but i know when this darkness has passed i will be armed with His truth and i will be able to share it. thank you for sharing proverb 18:24
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