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> A Journey To Restore Lost Faith?
Jkw85
post May 17 2012, 06:03 AM
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I'm unsure where to start really, firstly I'm posting here as I havnt the confidence to speak face to face. Unfortunetly I am of shy nature and find it difficult to speak openly to people I do not know,even thou it's hiding behind a computer screen I do find it easier to speak this way and be able to say everything I need to rather then closing up face to face. I found myself in church last Thursday for the first time in 2 and abit years, I became very overwhelmed and emotional. I guess I feel that after such a long time away and feeling so cross and hurt by god for such a long time I feel like I can't go back. I was married to a christian man who abused me and told me it was gods plan, wives must obey thier husbands etc, unknown to me he was also abusing my dog while I was at work. This came to light on new years eve 2009 when my dog had enough and snapped back trying to protect himself, the attack was quite severe and as advised by the vet I had to have my collie put to sleep on new years day 2010. My husband cruelly confesed what he had done and warned me if I said or did anything I would be sorry. My
mum guessed something wasn't right and in the end I went to live back with her, I recieved conselling and ended up leaving my husband and filed for divorce. It took me along time to recover from what happened and even now I still occassionally suffer nightmares. I tried to confide in my church but unfortunetly my husband had spoken to various people and made up really horrible, nasty things about me and with him being a good upstanding Christian and knowing him slot longer then knowing me they judged and believed his lies. I became angry and hurt, how could god let my poor innocent collie suffer and pay with his life? How could people believe his lies? How could god let people believe his lies? I lost my faith. I grew up in a broken home and my mum is far from religious, being in the place I was mentally I hid away and listened to my mums negative views on the church and it's faith. I've spent the last 2 and a bit years angry and confused, why did this
happen? I found it easy to blame god when I couldn't get justice for my dog, he wasn't just a dog to me, I had raised him from a puppy and besides work he came everywhere with me. In the time I have been away from god I met my husband Jon, we got married two months ago in a simple registry office ceremony and have an 8 month old son, Jon is a lovely and wonderful man I couldn't ask for a more kind and gentle husband. I feel bad that we got together and had a baby out of marriage but I don't regret it as our son is my world and I could never regret him, my ex husband used to say if your with god you have to love him over every one else even children and partners, if god told you to sacrifice your child you would if you truly loved god. With this in the back of my mind I feel confused and that I can't come back to god as I love my son more than anything and would never put anything before him my love for my son is a different love to God, how can they be measured together on the same scale? With many bad memories my husband and I have
decided to start a fresh in Devon. I was walking past the church in Barnstaple town centre near to coop and found myself drawn inside but I had vowed never to set foot in church again after what had happened as I was sitting there I began to cry as I realised everything that had meant alot to me was missing and I'm lost. I know if what happened hadn't of happened then I wouldn't be where I am today with my husband and son but how could god let an innocent animal be harmed in the process? Even my baptism was ruined by my ex husband as he forced me into a sexual act as soon as we were home and I feel guilty for not being able to stand upto him and cross with him for taking away something important to me. With everything that has happened since my baptism I feel like I've cheated God, my personal opinion of my baptism was the start of my new liife, the new me and giving myself to god but with everything that happened and what I went thru with my ex husband and then meeting my husband Jon and having Our son out of marriage plus other varios bits and pieces that have happened in general day to day life I feel I wasn't worthy to be baptised and how could God forgive me after being away for so long ? Sorry to bother you, I don't know who else to talk to. 
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