Hi, thanks for reading my lengthy post.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3.5 years since we're in college. We met each other in a fellowship. I was never in a relationship before and when we're friends I developed feelings for him. I saw that he has lots of good godly characters and I prayed and God seemed to answer me in various ways to signal me entering this relationship. So we did, and we were very happy for at least 1.5 years. Although there's cultural, background and personality differences between us, I love him more so than all the differences and I was certain that he's the one that I will marry. He's very caring, gentle considerate and kind, and I felt like he understands me, see my faults but still love me the way I am.

I'm a little older than he is, and I don't know if it's because he's younger and he hasn't thought out so far ahead... When he graduated from college (2 years into the relationship), I was already working. At that time, he said he needed to re-adjust his priorities in life, including our relationship. That was the first time, and then we talked it through and reset some expectations in our relationship and we were getting really serious about it. The third year, we are mostly working in different cities and we see each other about once in 2 weeks. But we talked about our future and exchanged ideas, at that time it seemed like we are making progress to move forward. Starting the 2nd half of the 3rd year it seemed to me that he doesn't show care as much as before, it seems like he's ignoring me sometimes and it feels like he doesn't love me as much as the first 1.5 year. Sometimes we talk about our relationship and he would describe us as a routine, or doesn't seem to be as "fun" as before, or he would focus more on our differences. We usually would finish with a good note and "try something new" mode.

But it just seemed like for the past 4 months he seemed more distant from me, and I feel disconnected with him and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I think about why are we acting like this, and how it would be worse when we're married. I really care about him and love him and I accept him the way he is. Sometimes I even feel disrespected, taken for granted and not cherished by him because I would be the one who's waiting for him while he's doing his own things - it just seemed like I cared about him much more than he does to me now.

We usually get really excited when we meet every 2 weeks. But last time we met he almost ignored me the whole weekend! I could not help but to ask him, and this time it took him really long to explain it - that he doesn't know if our relationship mean much to him anymore, he doesn't think we're compatible to be married, that he's not sure if he's happy, that he doesn't feel like he's being himself, again he focused on our differences, he even said that I'm not confident enough. Honestly before this happened I was already crying over his carelessness in secret, and before he even mentioned that I'm not confident I knew my lack of confidence. But not till he brought up the possibility of ending the relationship did I realize how my lack of confidence has crippled me in every aspect of my relationship with him. And this is so heartbreaking.

I'm an only child but I never received approval from my dad of my appearance, my talent, my ability and my characters. So far I'm the only Christian in my family. I realized that my lack of confidence today comes from the lack of affirmation from my dad. And until now did I realize I have trouble experiencing the Father's love. Maybe that explains why I'm insecure in many situations.

I realized that when I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend, I looked for affirmation and approval. Sometimes I know it's not healthy but I couldn't help it. It seems like I'm afraid to lose him - the only person besides my mom who explicitly expressed love and care for me. I know that I need to work a lot on my self confidence, not for my boyfriend, but for God and what God created me for. But I'm just going through such heartbreak with him bringing up possibility of ending the relationship. I really care about him and love him, but when I think about the way we are for the past 4 to 5 months, I really don't want my life to be in misery and get worse when we're married. It just seemed like all the reasons he brought up would be impossible or hard to change in an instant.

I think about why is it that I like him even I was unhappy at times when I'm with him (when he's being careless to me and being distant from me). And it goes back to all the good characters that he has. But at the same time, I wonder where compatibility fit in all this mess. We aren't the most compatible people, I have to admit. But I'm really willing to work things out because at least we have the Faith, similar lifestyle, and the chemistry for foundation, and the differences really don't change the way I feel about him. But it seems like it does change the way he feels about me. I really don't know what to think anymore, please help me.

Sorry for the lengthy post and patches of thoughts and feelings all over the place. I appreciate you taking time to read!

Dancer -

Well, yes - it is a lengthy post but it’s enough to reveal the fact that you two are compatible only in your own mind.

There is a lot to be said here - I will try to keep it brief.

You are trying to analyze everything - perhaps even over-analyze it. Is he a murderer? No? Are you a murderer? No? So, being that neither of you is a murderer, you are “compatible. That’s the sense I get of how you are determining “compatibility”.

Bottom line: Are you happy? No. Is he happy? Evidently not. Unless you both are happy, it is foolhardy to continue to pursue this relationship any further.

I note that it YOU who are doing all the analyzing and it is YOU who are doing all the changing. If you change enough, you will NEVER be happy. You can only be happy in a relationship where-in you re free to be yourself.

According to what you have said, he is not comfortable with you being yourself. He wants to make you into something he thinks he’d be more comfortable with - without regard to how such changes affect you. If you make such changes to pleas him, he will simply come up later will more changes for you to make. The result will be that you would be playing a part rather than just being yourself.

I think you need to be thinking of ending this relationship and once you have done that you can find your equilibrium and just be who you are. The right guy will accept and love you just the way you are even as Jesus loves us - He covers our short-comings.

NEVER forget that when a guy and a girl meet BOTH are on there best behavior. Over time, each gets to know the other better and as each comes to know the other better either their love continues or it diminishes.

At the beginning people fall in love with what they PERCEIVE the other to be. That’s the “honeymoon” stage. As they get to know each other for who they really are, each will see something in the other that wasn’t noticed before and if that “something” is no big deal, the relationship will grow in spite of it.

But if it is something intolerable, then it’s time to end the relationship. If he has been insisting on you changing this and that, then you are putting on an act for his benefit. If you were to marry, once you have been married a short while, the act would end and then he would REALLY be unhappy.

And the reverse is true because if his attitude is making you unhappy now, it can only get worse if you marry him. Because then the acting would be over.

From what you have said, it seems to me that he is trying to distance himself from you. If he has mentioned ending the relationship, that is probably the most honest thing he has said in this relationship. I think it’s obvious that he wants to move on - and without you. It may well be that he already has another romantic interest.

I strongly urge you to stop wasting your time with this guy; end it and move on. Don’t go immediately out looking for a replacement. As I said, you need time to become settled again, to “find your equilibrium”, return to who you really are. THEN, be patient and wait for a better relationship to arise - one in which the guy accepts you as you are.

Shalom.

Shalom pretty much hit the nail on the head her but I will add a couple of things. I also was struggling for that assurance from a father figure and I married a woman that was older than I so I will toss out a few things to think about. Before anyone else God is our father. If you want that assurance look to him. Also as far as your mother and boyfriend being the only ones that have loved you, remember the love that Jesus has for everyone. The love he has for you goes beyond the mortal ability to comprehend. Lastly, a relationship is comprised of love, respect, trust, sacrifice and compromise. For all these things its a two way street. If the relationship isnt worth the work on both sides it will either end up broken or with one person miserable. God and Jesus want us to be happy. Perhaps God wanted you in this relationship to start with so that one or both of you could learn this. I would ask God where he wants you to go from here. He will not steer you wrong.

God Bless you and I hope everything works out.
William