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CNut
Hi all,

Hopefully some of you will have some tid bits here to help me out. I've been seeing this girl for just over three months. I'm a Christian and she is not. This alone has got me thinking, but for now, I feel that I am young (early 20s) and this is an awesome opportunity for me to share with her who I am and about my faith.

She's a great girl with a big heart. I've chosen abstinence. She respects that fully of me & is OK with it. She however, gave away her virginity last year. I can't help but feel a deep nauseous feeling when I think about this. I feel like it is inappropriate and inconsiderate of me to hold her to MY moral standards. She regrets that decision she made last year, but there's a good chance her and I would be having sex right now if I didn't draw the line up front with her. When I think about it, I feel like she has given something so incredibly tangible to whoever that guy was, and I feel like at an instantaneous second in time while I'm thinking about it, her and my relationship is belittled and stolen from. It hurts so bad, and I feel like it shouldn't.

Can someone help me with this? Anything, really. Thanks.
Deeepsmyle
Hello~

I'm not sure how 'qualified' I am in answering your question, but I felt compelled to reply with what I think and feel about the issue.

Let me begin by letting you know that I am a fellow Christian (born and raised). I've been through many ups and down and am dealing with my own issues at present. I've also made many mistakes (mostly out of pain or ignorance) but my faith in God has grown throughout everything.

What I want to stress, firstly, is that not all of us come to know God in the same WAY or at the same TIME. To begin with, we all are not all born into families that are of the Christian faith. It's just a simple fact (of course). I will add that it's my own (personal) belief that if someone has NO WAY of knowing Jesus -- let's say someone living in the middle of a rain-forest for example -- but is a good person to the best of his ability, listening to what is imprinted deeply in his heart (that God put there), this person will not be condemned by God because of something completely out of his control. This of course, had nothing to do with the girl you're dating, but I just wanted to stress that it's what's deep in the heart that God listens to the most, as only He can judge each of us -- and I believe that if someone LOVES what God IS, he/she LOVES GOD.

Anyhow, it is a very good thing that this girl you like has a good/big heart! Maybe she will be able to come to know Jesus over time. I'm not sure what the circumstances of her childhood were, or if she was brought up in another faith. It may or it may not be possible for her to become Christian, depending upon circumstances such as this (I will get back to this at the end of my message).

Now, regarding her having given up her virginity, I can understand the value/importance placed upon this. It is indeed one of our 10 Commandments. However, I would like to add that, firstly, given that she is NOT of the Christian faith, she did not KNOW that she was sinning. I DO also know that St. Thomas Aquinas writes in his Summa Theologica (condensed version): "When a man's ignorance is not his own fault, then the sinful act which he commits through that ignorance is not a sin at all.", meaning, of course, we have to be aware of the good or bad in something to be aware that we are doing either/or, and if we have not this awareness, we cannot rightly be held responsible...like I child, I guess you might say, whom has yet to learn. So, if the girl you are dating did not see her giving up her virginity as something "not right to do", then she is not, therefore, guilty of sinning (according to St. Thomas).

That being said, I think it is a very good thing that she doesn't feel good about it, after the fact. That she feels remorse says a lot about her personality. It shows that she puts great value upon herself and her body, and does not take these (or sex) lightly. I think it's also important to focus on the fact that Jesus -- especially since this girl IS remorseful -- would forgive her; indeed, HAS forgiven her. And so, the attitude that it might be wise to have over the situation is for you to do as Jesus would: 'forgive her', so-to-speak. After all, we are NONE OF US perfect, and she did NOT have the BENEFIT (as you have) of knowing Jesus, and of knowing that she should refrain from sex!

One thing that I can say, because I am older perhaps, is that sex is more and act of the heart and soul, a sharing and expressing of love (which I'm sure you know), and it's for this reason that it is a sin when taken APART and minimalised, turned into a mere need, like the need for food. For this reason, I doubt that anything would be 'taken away' from the experience that you might have with her, in-future, should you decide to continue with a relationship that would lead to marriage. If this girl sees it the same way, then the past shouldn't matter. It would only be something "psychological" on your or her part, but there would be nothing to prevent the two of you, in reality, to have a fulfilling marriage and sex life (should it be meant to work out that way) -- especially seeing that we ALL (Christians included!) make mistakes, and that it's our PRESENT ATTITUDE (etc.) that matters most!

Perhaps, however, the most important thing to consider is that this girl is NOT a Christian, because it's this that I see that would create the most difficulty in making a relationship work. So, that is something that you have to think about, I'm sure. I guess the only thing is to take it one day at a time, pray about it, listen to the Lord, and in time you will realize what is meant to be. You will also learn more about her over time. Everything put together will allow you to see if things could work or not.

Best of luck to you! -- I hope I've been of some help, however small!

Best Wishes & God Bless~
Dianne

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