To whom it may concern:

My concern over the following is very great and very distressing, so any insight or support (or prayers) would be SO very greatly appreciated -- and thank you!

What I am about to write may, to many people, seem 'crazy' or impossible. And I did not realize that such things were happening. But, as it is also written in the Bible (ie. instances of demonic affliction or possession), this is a very real issue, and one that I have recently been greatly plagued with. I wish to add that (and I have seen a psychiatrist for a number of years, although not at this very present point) I do not have schizophrenia, but I have suffered from chronic and systematic (systematic meaning involving body, circumstances, and soul) my WHOLE life. I feel that I MUST make this a question that involves both #1) DEPRESSION, and #2) DEMONIC AFFLICTION -- because they are so intertwined, one leading to the other, the other worsening the first, etc, etc.

A BIT OF HISTORY:

I won’t get into any great details about my past, or exactly how it happened, except to say that I have suffered from a crippling depression my WHOLE life, and that this has caused me to feel set apart from everyone else (ie. I have lost my friends, am not working – although this is mainly due to a major surgery I had to have a few years ago, as well as a chronic sleep disorder that is of a post-traumatic nature, where I require medication to sleep – and am basically an almost complete recluse at this point). I cannot stress how severe the depression is (and has always been). There were times I could barely function at all. During the times I WAS working, that was all I could manage to do (ie. other chores got left for months on end).

I feel it important, also, to mention (again) that the depression, over the years, became SYSTEMATIC -- that is, involving not only its biological basis, but also many TRAUMATIC CIRCUMSTANCES -- affecting me in all ways, including spiritually -- have since become the make-up of my depression. And so, it is very complex and VERY deep-rooted. Given the circumstances of the deaths of many loved ones, having had a major surgery (leaving me with physical issues, as I am without my gluteous maximux muscle on one side), then developing a chronic sleep disorder that (combined with the medication I need) makes me very tired, I am almost completely isolated. Even BEFORE my depression got to this point, I was not able to get out of it. Now, it seems impossible. Also, I live someplace where there is nothing around to get me out of the house. I would have to take buses and subways, and this is just too hard to do. (I would rather just walk out of the house and be someplace, the way it used to be before I had to move.)

Okay, that being said, I was born and raised a Catholic and this never left me; however, I did not REALLY have God in my life…strongly…you know? Rather, I WANTED Him in my life…to REALLY KNOW He was real. I had HOPED He was real, but was not 100% sure. I wrote Him a letter in my early 20’s telling Him as much, and that all of the things I’d learned He was (ie. Pure Goodness, Truth, Beauty, etc…) I cherished to no end. BUT, I somehow did not KNOW that The Bible was the ONLY way to find ‘truth’, so-to-speak. I had a ‘scholarly’ attitude about life, having studied philosophy and the like in college. I looked to literature, philosophy, metaphysics and such, in the aims of attaining greater knowledge and self-awareness – whilst NEVER aiming to turn away from God (I was, obviously, very ignorant!). I held an interest in astral projection, white magic, scrying, dowsing, the tarot, channeling, meditation…you get the drift. Being that I was depressed, I did not read all of the books I’d bought on all of these subjects, much less practice them (I was also not reading the Bible!).

THE BEGINNING OF INTERACTION WITH THE DEMONIC:

The bottom line is that (while we all are sinners) I ONLY wanted good…NEVER wanted bad…did NOT know these things were bad…ONLY ever used the ouija (for a month or less maybe) and tried dowsing (a pendulum over a candle flame) a couple of times. The ouija proved (obviously!) to be evil (I’d thought that good could come, else I never would have tried it ever!!! I was in my early 20's). When I realized it was ONLY evil, I blessed and destroyed the board by breaking it in half and throwing it away. I NEVER used it again!!! (I will note that, among other things, it had pretended to be my deceased mother.) This was 13 years ago by now.

Maybe 4+ years after this ouija ‘incident’, I had a visitation from my (deceased) ‘mother’ on TWO occasions. This gave me COMPLETE faith in God, but did nothing for my depression. ‘She’ entered my mind (during wakeful sleep), but I started the conversation; I asked if it was ‘her’. ‘She’ said “yes”, and I was able to ask her a few questions, including if we’d be together after death (‘she’ said “yes”). ‘She’ had NOTHING to say to ME, but answered whatever I asked. ‘She’ sounded like my mother, and so full of love, that I had NO reason not to believe it was her. I reasoned that I knew she was good; that good does not lie; that therefore ‘she’ was my mother. An (obviously) evil spirit came around the same time – outside of my head – and it sounded so sickeningly vile, pretending to be my mother but failing so utterly, that this experience only aided in PROVING that the former entity was indeed my mother. I continued to believe my mother had visited me for about 8 years. (Needless to say, I no longer believe, as of 1-2 months ago!)

DEMONIC AFFLICTION (& THE ISSUE OF MY DEPRESSION):

Around February of this year, I was contacted by a spirit. I will not explain the entire situation, as it’ll take too long, and it isn’t really necessary. I’ll just say that I became very fixated on someone deceased and that this ‘person’ answered (or so I’d thought – since my ‘mother’ had spoken to me and I’d had this to hold onto). I won’t get into detail there either, except to say that there were signs (real physical signs), spoken words (surrounding sleep…mostly upon waking), intense feelings that were not my own, thoughts shoved in my head, and vivid dreams (not exactly dreams, if you know what I mean). This spirit was supposed to be loving towards me (the first thing it had said, upon my waking one morning, was "Just pay attention to the miracle; we'd make a good couple in heaven"). It also sent me intense feelings of love (or so it had felt like!). But this quickly turned around when I felt more evil than good and then realized that this entity was NOT whom it was supposed to be and that it was COMPLETELY evil. I had been TRICKED! From that point on, it has been trying to tempt me, make me feel bad and guilty, confuse me, affect my sleep and health (it woke me once all night long); once it woke me by giving me the finger, with my own finger! That’s how I woke up, with my arm in the air and that finger right in the middle of my face… I couldn’t believe it! Another time (and this was very frightening) it was kneeling on my back (in a dream, but it was very vivid; and I did what I have done in similar situations: tried to speak God’s name, with my physical lips, which is difficult when your body is not completely awake), and I could feel it, and I reached back and felt it’s heavy limp hand and could sense what it looked like. It just sat there, kneeling, unmoving. I know God will not let it hurt me. But it’s still not pleasant…it is depressing/despairing, needless to say.

I do feel it wants me to remain in my despair -- and I'm not sure to what extent it has been affecting me throughout these years WITHOUT my even knowing! Our negative thoughts, I have now realized, are not always OUR OWN! If we DOUBT or DESPAIR, it could be because some evil force is TRYING TO HAVE US THINK THAT WAY, to bring us down and away from God! Or just to hurt us! It wants me to sleep during the day (it has reversed my sleep, and I can’t get out of it at present). It wants me to feel lonely and needy (and I think, perhaps, it might want me to believe that I was always the way I am BECAUSE of evil inside me…not my OWN evil, but an evil entity causing my ‘sickness’). I was contemplating suicide before the spirit contacted me, even though I had no plans to act upon it; I’ve never tried and never WILL try (it was only the desire not be be here because of the pain). I believe in God and am praying and talking to Him. I want ONLY God. I’ve made mistakes, our of ignorance, but NEVER wanted – nor do I want! – ANYTHING to do with anything evil!!!

ARE WE AS WORTHY (TO GOD) WHEN WE CAN'T ACT BECAUSE WE'RE DEPRESSED (& MORE ABOUT THE EVIL SPIRIT)?

I believe in God’s forgiveness, though I have to say I am afraid since I am so depressed and have not been able to go out into the world and DO anything for God!!! Because I’m so stressed and isolated, I often get upset…and I cannot control it. This entity wants me to feel BAD because of this…and unworthy. This is difficult because it’s not just over something I’ve done in the past…it has to do with me NOW. Is this okay with God (my being overwhelmed with depression)??? I mean, does he judge me for that? It’s not fair to compare me with someone NOT depressed, who grew up properly, and with self esteem, surrounded by loving family (I’ve hardly family left.), with partners, jobs, etc, etc…capable people. It’s been this way since my childhood, so how could God blame me? I TRIED, but could not do differently (ESPECIALLY after having my major surgery where I have most of my gluteous maximus GONE now, and then developing the sleep disorder that is muscle spasms – involuntary movements – waking me up all night long. These, depression, and isolation/loss of family/friends are just too much to handle, and I've been a near hermit for about 10 years now). I was never even able to do things that I enjoyed (that I should have enjoyed), or at least not to the fullest, or for long. But I HONESTLY I don’t blame God for anything! I believe that He knows what He’s doing, and that everything’s for a reason. But it’s difficult to feel good when I can’t ACT! I just ask Him to let me be GOOD…to DO GOOD (above anything concerning my own happiness). In other words, I don't mind if I suffer AS LONG AS GOD DOESN'T THINK BAD OF ME!!! I just hope that the depression -- and where it has led me -- is NOT MY FAULT!!! But I didn't know what else I could have done to have changed things.

So, it (the evil) wants me to drown in all of this. (The last thing it spoke to me is: “You have already entered the gateway.”, and it wasn’t talking about Heaven… It has also played music in my head, such as Donovan’s “The Actor”, as if to say that I’m only acting in my faith towards Jesus and that I don’t really believe in God or that I can be saved, as well, for example.)

Now, I know what the demons are trying to do to us, and that we have to cling to Jesus…to believe we are worthy, are saved, etc, etc… But this is still going on with me, and I was just wondering what sort of advice you’d give, given that I cannot STOP being depressed, and it knows that. I cannot STOP being lonely, and it knows that… It's hard enough for someone to try to get out of all of that, and I don't want it to ADD to my depression and keep me down. (Maybe an exorcism would help, though I’m not possessed!)

I still can’t believe it. And the thing is: it’s the EVIL that had given(strengthened) me my FAITH!!!! I have my a stronger faith in God THROUGH the evil that has visited me! I KNOW God is here and with us. This evil hates us...and it HATES GOD!

(A (wakeful) thought occurred to me when all this began (before I’d realized this entity was evil), and that is: “All will be restored”. I don’t feel that this is from the evil entity. Could it be that a good message got through? Then again, one night, I heard the words “…higher than the devil can climb”. The next night, the evil entity – I know not if it had spoken the initial words – retorted “…higher than God can climb”. So, I’m not sure if there’s SOME good there, or if the evil is simply playing a game. But “All will be restored”, and “…higher than the devil can climb” SEEM to me to be the fruits of a GOOD tree… I'm just not sure.)

So, that is my story of what is happening in my life now. If there is anything anyone can suggest that might help, encourage, or whatever, I would so very much appreciate it!

Best Wishes & God Bless~
Dianne

Thanks for that I can relate to this a bit-

Two resources: joycemeyer(dot)org (click broadcasts at the top)

and Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer -

Also try speaking out scripture Damian

Although my post is almost 2 years late, I just felt the need to reply.
I believe that not only does God not think bad about you, He also loves you dearly, and with His almighty power can deliver you from the situation.
Just as you've said, the feelings of doubt and depression come from the 'evil entity'. Hold fast to your faith in Jesus Christ, the saviour of mankind, speak to Him, get in touch with a group of real christians and I believe you shall be set free.
I pray that you experience God's great salvation and love, through Jesus Christ his Son.

Know that you are being afflicted by demons. They don't want you to get better. But I do. I have been there. I have seen demons, and I have been afflicted by them in the past. They can seem impossible to get rid of, but that's what they want you to think. Trust me, I have been there. I have survived the things you are talking about. The depression is from God. He wants you to feel at a losss becasue of your son. Listen, you have power over demons. God made you higher than them. If they are afflicting you, call on God. He will rescue you, and no one else. No one but God is from God. I feel that you are still having trouble from demons. If so, call on the Lord. He will guide you. Be open to His leading. There is demonic pull, and there is Godly pull. You can feel the difference if you try. If you feel God's leading, contact me. I want to help you. If you do not feel God's leading, do not contact me. Do Only What God Leads You To Do. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I understand where you're coming from... but there's no need to feel bad about the depressing feelings you might be experiencing. If it grows to be overwhelming there are plenty of christian treatment centers that can incorporate your faith into depression treatment. I've come a long way and I would highly recommend it if you're still feeling this way. You don't have to feel alone like there's no one to help you. Know that you are loved and supported. Visit www.renewalchristiancare.com if this is something you would like to look into. It helped me and I hope it can help you too.