Hi there. I am new to this site. I guess I am having problems in my relationship. I am Catholic and so is my fiancee. we have been together for 1 1/2 years. I found out about 7 months ago on accident that he had not told me about his 3 children with an ex. they were never married. the way that I found out was by using his cell phone. I was trying to call another number and somehow accidenatlly called the mother of his children! She told me who she was and I was devastated since I had no idea. we had been together for 10 months and I thought we were serious. He never told me he had children, though I guess I never really asked, but still! She said they had been together for 20 years and that the baby was born in june of 2008. When I confronted him on this, he told me that they had been together one last time and she got pregnant but that they werent together now and that he had never cheated on me. (the math adds up he hasnt) I have chosen to forgive him for keeping this information from me, but I am having a very hard time trusting in him again. I am in love with this man and we are engaged to be married. His actions now seem to be true, but he is always out of town on business and when he is, I have so much anxiety thinking he may be out cheating on me. I never had trust issues with him until this happened. He says this is the only thing he ever kept from me but how can I know for sure. I know as a Christian I am supposed to forgive and forget, but I am so afraid of committing to him if he is pretending to be someone that he is not. I wish I could know the truth. He is a very private person since he is a CEO of a large international company. I know he is still an active member on match.com (thats where we met) and I have asked him about it, and he says he just hasnt had the time to delete his account. This upsets me, because I make time for things that are important. He is a really busy man, and I try to understand that, but I just hope that I am not being naive because of my unconditional love for him. We are apart alot and I wonder what he is doing. We talk all the time but who knows. He is very convincing. Maybe I am just paranoid now that he was dishonest once. I could really use some guidance. I feel very insecure even though he reassures me often that he loves me and that we are together forever.

This idea that you are supposed to "forgive and forget" is a very bad misquote... Paul said, "Forgetting the things which are behind, I press toward the mark...' He MEANS not letting the past stop him... Read the book of Nehemiah...there were places in Jerusalem that were destroyed and he revisited and took account of each place BEFORE rebuilding. He WANTED to remember the destruction so that he would not take the rebuilding lightly (among other things). So...first of all - don't beat yourself up for that. You ARE supposed to forgive and not continue to hold it against him...not bring it up every time, etc. The truth is, you probably really haven't fully forgiven him...you've not wanted to lose him so you've tolerated the act. And, if you have forgiven him, then you still must see other things (as you mentioned) in his behavior to keep you feeling it could happen again.

Think about it - if we "forgive and forget" everything, then we'd be stupid fools that would walk right back into the same trap time and time again. We forgive the deed but we don't forget the lesson. So, you have to decide - what did that lesson teach you? You have to be careful not to expect him to be you ("I would make time for xyz and he doesn't). I have this with my fiance. I would always carry my phone with me and if I was going to leave it somewhere for a while, I'd text him first to let him know so he wouldn't worry...I always reply quickly (we don't live in same place right now, so we text a lot)...but he doesn't think this way and so he doesn't do the same thing and it's frustrating for me. He's absent minded, yeah - but it doesn't mean he doesn't love or respect me...so him not being me isn't enough for me to say he's wrong.

However, when infidelity is an issue, then the partner really should "make time" for something to relieve the other's needs. You can tell him over dinner "here's the computer, you have 20 minutes to eat...delete your account at this point" - some things you have a right to demand. Tell him that if there is no reason for him to stay part of it then deleting it should not be an issue...there should be no excuse for delay - CEO or not.

You have to ask yourself if you think that living with suspicion and fear is the best thing for you both. If you can't trust him, there is no relationship. There is only fear of loss and failure on your part... Also, what's his role in the kids' lives? How do you feel about it? There are things you need to think of - it's for the rest of your life...don't take it lightly.

Hope this helps some. Take care.

H