I am a Bible College Graduate and former Youth Pastor for over 10 years. 6 years ago I walked away from ministry, the church and eventually my faith. Maybe it was burnout, maybe it was a root of bitterness that sprang forth after years of pain and hurt in the ministry and church but I no longer had the heart for any of it. In spite of my at the time, very successful ministry, I was broken and hollow and I walked away...from all of it.

As time past, my wife and I turned to the the comfortable lifestyle of the world. It was very gradual, but being "free" felt so liberating. No more ministry, no more judging eyes, no more measuring up etc. etc. and it was FUN...at first. After a few years I realized that the things I was doing weren't so much about being free anymore, they were about filling the void...the void of Christ, the void of my call. Last Sept. ('08), was the breaking point. I had become an alcoholic, my marriage was completely broken, I was smoking 2 packs a day and I was completely and utterly miserable.

I was about to leave my wife, for a woman I had met online and had been having an emotional affair with...our marriage was over we both knew it. Secretly, however, I believe I was using the whole ordeal as a way to cut the last tie I had to my life as a Christian Pastor, therefore making it easier for me to end my life, which is what I really desired.

But, as the Lord always does, He rescued us...miraculously. We rededicated ourselves back to the Lord...BIG TIME! Then...the cleansing of ourselves to each other, I confessed everything to her. It was hard, but not nearly as hard as what was coming. The next day she confessed to me that she too had in the prior year been involved in an emotional affair with...my best friend and associate in ministry for over 5 years. He preyed on her...WHILE HE WAS STILL IN MINISTRY...at least I walked away (I never could fake it..like so many ministers I had known). I let the enemy into our lives with my choices, but I never expected the wolf to be him...it was horrible. The "other" woman that was a complete stranger to my wife had a REAL emotional breakdown and repentance with my wife it was miraculous...but my friend and former partner in ministry never truly repented to me...it was devastating...Satan's final blow to try to keep me from God...but by His grace, the enemy failed.

It's a pattern of behavior for me to not let anyone into my "inner circle". I've only had to real "best" friends in my life. The first betrayed me as well, not in a marital way but in ministry. He betrayed a trust that cost me greatly and created all the incidents that made-up that "root" of bitterness that I first talked about. Now my 2nd best friend, too...needless to say I severely battle trust issues.

You can't imagine how I've had to lean and depend on God this past year. My life has so rapidly transformed. Delivered from smoking, pornography, alcohol and I've gotten involved in church again and feeling the fire of the call burning within...but that's part of my need for encouragement.

When I was running, my secular job was amazing and I was a "star". But when I gave my heart back to God, the economy of course kicked-in and I like so many got devastated. Spiritually, my life has been soaring since then, but everything else is tanking...God is stripping me of Egypt and leading me through a desert and I know it, understand it, but it..is...so...very...hard! I'm tired of the sand in my eyes if you know what I mean.

After 4 months of unemployment I took a job...as a retail clerk at a Christian Book store for barely more than minimum wage...part-time, after making soooooooo much more with full-benefits...not to mention it was the job I had straight outta Bible College 14 years ago...as I was just starting out in ministry...boy I've sure come a long way huh!

I'm so different now though...God has broken me and is breaking me still. I've seen the worst in people, the worst in His Church, the worst in His leaders and most of all the worst in...me and have come through in Him, less naive, less full of myself, less foolish, less prideful, but more scarred. The revelations I have had in the desert have been priceless to me and I cherish them. The fires of the call burn in me hotter than they have ever burned before...but the way back seems farther than it ever has before. The enemy comes at me with so much regret over my choices and their outcomes. I fight having too much zeal and crossing over the Jordan too soon and then I feel like I'm fighting fear and not crossing over when God is calling...I don't want to do this for 40 years .

I also battle letting people in again...I know I have to, I know God is bigger and is my Father and my strength...and what else can man do to me that hasn't been done right? I think about my friend...I wish we could be reconciled...I have no brother in the Lord anymore, no ministry, I'm broke and broken. I have nightmare about my wife still cheating, about me still failing, honestly, it get's really, really dark for me sometimes and I have never, ever cried so much and believe me, I'm not a crier lol...at least I wasn't. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get back onto the path God called me to...it seems like an eternity away. Will I ever be able to have a real brother in the Lord? Will I ever be able to fully trust my wife again? Or a Pastor? I know that struggles of trust like this are really struggles of trust in my Father. These things only have the power over me that my lack of trust in Him gives them...but it's hard.

I feel like Jacob...God is wrestling with me and telling me to just let go to give up on Him...not because He's being cruel, but because He wants me to see my endurance...will I quit on Him again? I am determined to NEVER let go...not until I am blessed and am transformed into the man He's called me to be as Jacob was transformed into Israel...but it came at a price...and I am definitely feeling that "limp". Maybe the limp is a gift...a God-given way to naturally be dependent on Him.

I just needed to talk about my story. This past year like the story of the Exodus has been one of miraculous deliverance from the bondage of the enemy, but one of trial and hardship in the desert. Sometimes I feel like an Israelite wanting to give up, but I know I just have to keep following that Cloud...

I don't want to give up, I don't want to let go of God...I just want to let go of the hurts and the pain of the past, but I find both tasks to be more than I can bear. Thanks for hearing me and if so inclined praying for me. God bless you all on this journey of life in Him.

Dear Wretch in that Song,

Man, can I relate! First, know that you are NOT alone. I think the enemy would want to isolate us as much as possible. A small book I would like to recommend to you "What to do on the Worst Day of your Life," by Brian Zahnd, can be found at Barnes & Noble.

Secondly, for complete honesty, I'm a 53 (almost 54) year old woman. Most likely, you'd be expecting a guy to answer your email, but if a donkey could speak to Balaam, maybe, some words here could encourage you. )

I noticed you wrote on Aug. 13th and didn't see any replies, so I'm jumping in...

I, too, am a Bible College graduate. I accepted Jesus when I was 18 yrs. old. After Bible College, the Lord blessed me in allowing me to do mission work in Mexico, Israel and Uganda. I've also taught Sunday School, lead adult Bible Studies and incorporated a church. Our Great King moved me to write a book that was published in 2006.

My brother, I'm not trying to boast. I tell you this so that you understand I love the Lord and have sought to serve Him since I asked Him into my heart. However, the flesh has also raged in my life and I have had many failures and scars that if I thought about them for too long, I would collapse in disgust, fear and trembling. I do not trust such deep wounds to very many people.

In August of 2007, I became one of the casualties of our economic downturn. I lost my $100,000.00 per year job, all my resources, can't find a job that pays more than unemployment and am currently being supported by my unbelieving family. That story includes much more (rejection, alienation, misjudgment, humiliation and despair) that I won't elaborate on now. Suffice it to say, that I have cried more tears in the last two years than I have in my entire life! And I've cried pretty hard over other things, so that is saying alot.

You know that scripture that says "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12)? I've begged God to deliver me from my distresses and still, I cannot find decent work. I still have a home and the ability to raise my son, but it is very, very hard. It is a place I have learned alot of things in and like you, I cherish the lessons learned at a great personal price.

All this to say, that I still choose God, even if He chooses to delay in answering my prayers, even if I have to crawl through the rest of this life. Even if I look like an idiot or failure or whatever else others may think of me. Even if I lose the rest of whatever I think I have. I know one day I will be free. One day I will have all my tears wiped away by God, Himself, and I will never sorrow again.

We may be going through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23), but the point is, we will "go through" it and NOT stay there!

You are seeing so much, your need to be able to trust God and through Him trust others, including your wife, is a terrific re-beginning! You've come back to the great Physician. Your eyes are open, you started praying...and God will have compassion on you!! He is faithful. Sometimes, the hardest trial of all is waiting for His timing.

God has never revoked your calling and He gave you the gift of your wife (Romans 11:29). All that you are seeing, praying about and waiting for God to respond to, is coming. For your God loves you with an everlasting love. He will never leave you or forsake you. I know you know these scriptures, but don't let their familiarity lessen the truth and power that are in them. I hold on to Isaiah 26:3 & 4 myself.

I will be praying for you. I will go to the throne of grace to OBTAIN grace and mercy to help you in this time of need. (Heb. 4:16) For more and more victory in your life. For a true, trustworthy friend in the Lord.

Keep trusting Jesus, my brother. He will NOT fail you!
Until we see His face,
Your fellow citizen of Heaven.