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smellycat
I have a lot going on in my life right now, and a major one is my marriage. I have been married for 10 years now, and I am miserable. I got married at 20, and really heard from the Lord that I was to marry my husband, and so I did.....and now I dont understand why he would want this for me.....

we were best friends for years and knew everything about eachother....but there was so much I was blinded too. He is very abusive verbally and emotionally to me. I am always wrong, I am never right. If I prove that he is wrong by any means I am told how horrible I am essentially and that by correcting him I am the one who is in the wrong. If we have an argument, I just sit silently, there is no point in arguing back, because he will just keep at me until I cave. Everything is my fault, and nothing is his. The list goes on and on and on. He is incredibly selfish, he can go out with his friends whenever he wants, but when I try to go out he kicks a fuss and I have to be home by a certain time, and if not I have to make him aware of where I will be at all times and when I will be home. when he doesn't do the same for me. he spends money like its water, and spends it on expensive things all the time. we are constantly broke. I am not encouraging enough, and when I pray for him, out loud, I'm not doing it right. he actually corrects my prayers......

I am by no means a perfect individual. but for the last 9 years i have been slowly dying every day.

I had to take care of my father who was ill, which to me is too much for a 20 year old to have to do. he just passed away this past May. Two weeks before my father passed away, an old friend of my husbands died, and they had a funeral out of town. but then the weekend of my father's funeral they were having a funeral in our town on the same day. all I heard about for weeks was how he missed his friends funeral so that he could be there for me, and how hard that was for him, and I had better appreciate how much he was giving up to be at my father's funeral.

that is just a small amount of what goes on, on a daily basis.....

as i said, Im not perfect, in these 9 years of feeling lost, and crying out to God for relief I have been met with just more pain. And I dont understand why......and in this pain, I have reached out to others.....I have had 3 affairs in the last 2 years....and am ashamed of this fact....I know that no matter what pain I go through that is not an excuse for what I have done. One was more of two people hurting and reaching out to eachother, another was that I got caught up in a moment of being star struck, when a rockstar made eyes for me, and we went on a date.....etc etc, and the last has been the hardest one of all.....but I feel God all over it in such a weird way that I can't figure out....

A year ago i cried out one final time to God telling him he needed to do something because I couldn't last much longer the way everything has been. I couldnt' handle being crushed to nothing day in and day out, clear as day he said give me 6 months, and then watch.......6 months went by, and my first love from when I was a teenager randomly popped back into my life.....I never stopped loving him, and only ended things when we were young because he was a drug addict and I couldn't go down that road....he has cleaned up and is doing so very well.....one thing led to another, and I have fallen more in love with him than I have ever felt in my life.......and I dont know what to do anymore.....

I can't go on living the way I'm living. I can't go on with the daily mental and emotional abuse. I went through it as a child, and I can't live my entire life this way. The few people I have confided in about my marriage ( not the affairs) have all seen what my husband does to me. friends of ours have pulled me aside and said we see how he speaks to you and we dont like it. My own mother saw everything before I got married but knew I wouldn't listen so she said nothing. But now, everyone tells me to leave.....

I can't go to our pastors or any other pastors in the city to talk about this, my husband is a worship leader, and every church around knows who he is and who I am, I don't know where to turn.

Over the summer I've had probably the hardest summer of my life, my father passin at the end of May, a week later I got laid off of work, 4 weeks after that I broke my foot, and 4 weeks after that my grandmother died. I feel like I'm supposed to start over some how, start fresh, but God has been so silent with me, I know the things i have done are wrong, but am i to continue living in such misery and abuse every day? I'm just so lost and confused.
Kanuk
Smellycat: I know how you feel.. you just posted my situation. Except I am male and have not suffered the losses you have. I have a similar mariage situation and a rekindled love from the past which is amazingly strong.

It has not gone beyond emails but is thriving.

As for your husband.. I believe he suffers from OCPD. Not OCD but OCPD. Here is an article that will help you understand.

if you google The Right stuff OCPD. It is by Stephen Phillipson PhD

I to have been dieing slowly in my marriage. My wife said the God wants husbands to be willing to die for their wife. However, I believe the old me has died in trying to apease her and make her happy which is impossible.

I too am looking for advice in my situation. I have prayed continually and I am still waiting.
Kanuk
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