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towboater4jesus
Please help me.I've been dating this girl for 3 years. We're both 19 and she means absolutely everything to me and I don't wanna lose her. We've had a wonderful relationship together but it's falling apart. She's had a hard life and I've done everything to make it better for her. Her mother kicked her out and I helped her find a place to live and helped her find a job. Soon after she decided to go home, so she did and her mother kicked her out again, and I still helped her find another place to live. She didn't have a way back and forth while I'm gone so I bought her a car. I work on a towboat and I'm gone for 4 weeks and home for 4. I got home from this past trip and find out that she's been seein another guy, a guy from work. She used to be such a sweet loving Christian girl, but now she just looks at me with hatred. She says she wants to work it out that she does love me, but she feels no remorse for seein someone else while I was away working. She says that she does love me but I've got 3 weeks to show her that I love her. On one hand, I love her so much and I'd do anything to show her that, but on the other hand I've showed her better than anybody could how much I love her and I've gotten nothing but hurt from. I know I'm a simple country boy who's not perfect but I know I deserve to feel loved and appreciated and I feel neither from her. I have to show her that I love her, but if she doesn't change I can't stay. Please pray for me and help me out here. God bless

love in Christ
Brennan
Henry
Dear Towboater4jesus,
You are up against some very tough (and some beautiful but hard to learn) realities. My heart goes out to both of you. I wish it was possible to give you a clear understanding of what each of you is doing, but this subject is one whole books are written about. I'll try to be brief but you have much to learn about yourself, about God and about real love. I imagine you already suspect this which is why you posted your plea for help.

First of all - even if you loved her with real love, there is no guarantee that someone else will respond the same way. Take Jesus for example. No greater love has ever walked with us. Yet many abandoned Him, persecuted Him, mocked Him - even killed Him. He deserved to be loved too - but even though He often wasn't loved - He continued to love anyway - all the way to the cross. Consider yourself privileged to participate in the sufferings of Christ. Loving/caring about people will always carry risk. Be prepared to hurt real bad sometimes. You are going to need a loving Jesus to comfort you and kiss you when your love is rejected. He will understand what you are going through completely.

You will find very few people who love. Don't ever let it stop you from loving them anyway. This doesn't mean you become stupid and put your pearls into the grips of swine so they can toss them aside and turn on you. That wouldn't be a loving thing for you to do. You lovingly withdraw. It hurts, but you withdraw because it is what is healthy for both of you. Don't withdraw all in a rage from being hurt. Jesus is not in a rage about either one of you. Let your withdrawal be a loving act of wisdom in the best interest of both of you. It is a strange idea but give her the gift of your withdrawal from her. She has much to learn and may not know what she has until it is gone. Give her the chance to learn this by your gentle withdrawal from her life. And continue to pray for her. And give her to God. Let go.

There is such a thing as false love. It is really hard for people to learn this. I hope you investigate the difference between true love and false love. True love is God, from God, to us, for us. True love is a one way flow from the heart of God to us. True love is a one way unconditional gift from Him to us. God is love. The only way we get loved is by going to Him and getting hugged and kissed given all kinds of gorgeous gifts. He expresses His love in so many ways. And one of those ways is to make us feel loved. We can actually feel Him loving us. If you have never felt Him loving you, you are in for a real treat. He loves you with all His heart, mind and strength and I'm sure He wants you to know it and feel it.

By knowing His love, we know love and are able to love others with that same love with which we were loved. This makes us a conduit of God's love. He gives us His love first - and then His love flows out from us to others. True love is a condition of inner wealth - rich in God's love - spilling out and being offered to others.

Now, false love has this whole thing backwards. False love stems from an inner poverty which feels like loneliness or emptiness or sadness or like we aren't worth much - feelings like that. And so, without even realizing what we are doing, we look around us at the world of lovely ladies and sooner or later we happen upon one who seems really wonderful. Our hope is she will love us. And we see ourselves feeling pretty good about her too. So we go through the normal period of dating and talking and such and we discover that we really really "love" each other. Man oh man, this feels like the real thing and is such an emotional high. You feel convinced this is real love - but it isn't. It is better labeled co-dependence or passion or romance or chemistry or intense desire. This is the worldly definition of love - and it seems right to a man - but the end thereof is the eventual death of the relationship. It NEVER works. It can't work. It places a tremendous burden on her to make me happy. And she is placing a terrible burden on you to make her happy. Neither of you can carry that burden. Nobody can. God is suppose to be the one to make us happy. And she isn't God.

So - this inner poverty makes us look outside ourselves for ful-fillment. This is natural. Natural in the Biblical sense. It is two impoverished emotional needy people pulling on each other for happiness and it is destined to fail eventually. It seems terrific at first, but it becomes terrible later on - terrible in exactly the way you described. The novelty wears off, boredom sets in - the demands get more and more difficult to measure up to, temptation sets in so somebody else can meet my needs, the eyes start looking at other men/women - and there you go. The end.

i hope you see the difference between real love and false love. I hope you find a more heart to heart interaction with Jesus. I hope you grow in His love for you. And I hope you find a lady who knows His love for her. When two people are filled with love from Jesus and can go to Him anytime they want and feel His love and comfort and peace - then they each bring that back and share it with each other - NOTHING can destroy this kind of love and relationship. The novelty never wears off because Jesus' love never gets old or dull. The relationship is based on two emotionally wealthy people sharing their inner wealth with each other. It just doesn't get any better than that. And it grows deeper and deeper over time.

Stop looking for the right lady. Become the right man. Get filled with Jesus and you'll have PLENTY to share. And when she's having a bad day and has little to give - you'll have Jesus to go to and you'll stop putting pressure on her. You'll be setting her free from the burden of making you happy and she'll love it. Love liberates. love invites. Love never pressures or gets demanding. See the difference?

I hope you return to this site again. It's been a long time since your post. Jesus LOVES us so intensely. Peace.
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