Is God punishing me?
I married way too young in spite of all my family's objections. After 7 years of very hectic college, and later graduate school schedules, my husband and I had grown up into very different people and very much apart. We became roommates with vastly different schedules where he would spend his nights in the lab and come home just as I was leaving for work. We had nothing in common anymore. After I finished graduate school I tried to reconnect with him but he was no longer interested. I wanted children and he no longer felt that was what he wanted in life. There was so much animosity and bitterness and every day I just felt like I was dying inside. I had finished graduate school and suddenly had lots of free time but now he was in medical school and became jealous of my free time, and controling. He became very angry if I ever wanted to do anything except going to the grocery store or work. If he couldn't have fun then I couldn't either. The only time I could go to church was if he went with me which wasn't often. My friends disappeared and since we had moved to a different city so he could attend medical school, I had no family to turn to either. I became very lonely and depressed. We couldn't afford cable TV so I spend my evenings alone reading books or listening to music while he was at the lab or hospitol. I got a wonderful, dream job offer after I graduated from school but since he had already started medical school I had to turn it down and settle for something far less desirable. Every day I cried and was miserable, my self esteem was rock bottom and I felt like a complete failure.
And then I got this new boss at work. I would often work late (to avoid going home, mostly just surfing the internet) and noticed he stayed late as well. We began talking, we became friends. I developed a huge crush on him. He was married and much older than me. His kids were my age. Months went by. I suggested counseling to my husband but he said it was stupid so I went to counseling by myself. When I had enough, I told my husband I wanted a divorce and he said I was just being hormonal. About then I discovered my boss also had feelings for me. I had an affair with my boss. A few weeks later I filed for divorce. A few weeks after that my boss left his wife. The relationship never lasted with my boss, and even at the time I knew it wouldn't. I didn't leave my husband for him. It just felt so good to have a friend and to be cared for my someone. We supported each other through the divorce but after that we parted ways on good terms.
As a Christian, I know what I did was wrong but it felt so good. It felt so good to finally get out of my miserable marriage. I confessed this and asked for forgiveness but I have to admit I've never had a godly sorrow about it. I regret the affair, and how I left my ex-husband (is there ever such a thing as a GOOD divorce?) but I don't regret leaving him. I am much better off without him.
I wonder if that's now catching up with me? Several years ago I moved across the country and remarried a wonderful man. We decided we wanted a family, which was one of the reasons I left my ex - since he no longer wanted children. I became pregnant right away and everything was wonderful. But 9 months of healthy pregnancy does not guarantee you'll go home with a baby. Just a few days before my due date, at full term, my baby stopped moving - she had died and was stillborn. After a nightmare induced labor that lasted over 37 hours she was delivered in silence. A full autopsy and many tests later and nothing can explain why my baby died. Her heart literally just stopped. God took my baby. And now we've been trying to conceive another child and it's not happening. And now I wonder if this is all my fault and he's punishing me? My heart is broken over the loss of my child. Will God ever allow me to have children? Or did I blow it?
Thank you for reading my long post.