I am a 23 year old male from Germany. I am starting to lose my faith in Jesus Christ, because of everything that has been happening to me.
I had a very rough childhood. My parents were fighting on a daily bases, and most of the time separated. Both abused me mentally: My father used to have prostitutes coming over, and my mother would beat me up all the time ( I know they both love me...it was just the frustration in them ). My mom even hit me with a wooden chair when I was 13 years, causing a 2 inch scar under my left eye. Back then, I used to pray to the Lord all the time, asking him to bring my family back together, so I can have a normal life. As time moved on, I left Egypt ( thats where we lived after leaving Germany, because my father had some legal issue over there ) when I was 16, because my parents wanted me out of there. I used to love a girl from a school, but she was a Muslim. And she had such a impact in my life, that my mom feared that I could convert to the Islam one day, in order to be with her. So they decided to take me out of school, and give me 2 options - Going back to Germany , or Go to my uncle and aunt to the USA. At that time, my uncle and aunt from the US were here in Egypt (they are Egyptians, but live in Cleveland Ohio) told me that life would be great in the USA.
They told me I could study for free, earn good money ( $10 / hour ), they would get me a car....everything i would ever dream of. So I decided to go there, and start my life from scratch. But I guess I am not supposed to get that change after a tough childhood:
When I got there, I worked for 3.5 dollars an hour, I had a 3300 dollar bill every term from the University, I had no car, ...all what my uncle told me was a lie. But I still liked it over there, and I saw it as a chance to improve my life, even if its hard. I never wanted anything for free, but I wanted to get a chance to do something. So after studying for a year and a half English As a Second Language (ESL) at Cleveland State University, my aunt in Germany, who was helping me with paying the tuition, told me that I should try to continue in Germany, as studying there cost only 500 Euro's a term. That sounded very great, and I thought I would try that, so I can save some money.
I also had a girlfriend in the US back then, and I loved her more than anything else in my life. She was the reason I never gave up in life. So I left to Germany ( Munich ) and I tried it over there...and it didn't work out, as usual. The University in Germany told me that I would have to go back to high school, so I get a German high school diploma, and that would delay my life for another 2 years. So I decided to go back to the USA, and continue my shot over there. I applied for computer programming a the same university I used to study, and I got accepted. So I came back, and I stayed with my girlfriend, since I couldn't take it to live with my uncle anymore ( he is a big lair in my eyes ). But things got even worse in my life...
After 8 months, i had no money for studying anymore, and my uncle told me to get married in order to get a green card, so I can continue over there...and thats what I did. I married my girlfriend, that I loved ( she was 16...but I had no option ) and I tried to apply for a green card after that. But even this was a problem for me, since she cannot file any papers until she is 18. A week after than, my girlfriend got pregnant from me ( it was a mistake... not on purpose ) and me and her had so much pressure in us, that we thought about abortion. But after I went to this place where they do such procedure, and I saw how and what they use for an abortion, I told her not to do it... I could never let her go through this horrible procedure. And after all, I saw the child of mine as a blessing from Jesus, and I wont deny it. After all, this child was a result of love and passion me and my wife had together. But my wife had a lot mental pressure in her, and she had a miscarriage after 2 weeks. She lost her mind, and became mean to me. And in one fight, she cursed me by my aunt, who is like a holly person to me, and I hit her... I didn't want to do this, but since my childhood, i have this in me... maybe from all the violence I went through in my life. I am not a bad person. I always help the poor, I served the church, I do not like to use violence at all. I am very well known in my friends and family, that I actually "too kind" and anyone could take some advantage of me. So my wife called my best friend, who came and called the cops...and they took me to jail. My uncle came and bailed me out for 500 dollars, and I had to stay away from my wife until my case of Domestic Violence was done. And as unstable my wife was, she went to my best friends apartment and slept with him. After the court was done and she wanted me back, she told me this... and my world broke apart. I definitely would have preferred to die, instead of this happening to me. Since that day, I have i enemy in my life...and that is my best friend ( not anymore ). I have so much anger in me towards him, that I will let everything ... all anger that I have in me, from childhood to adulthood, out on him. Anyways, I got also I call from my mom, telling me that I had to come to Egypt, because my father was very sick ( they got back together and lived in peace, after I left to the US when I was 16) so I got there...and my father died 4 months after... 1 day before his flight to Germany, for medical treatment. And during this time, my wife left me too.... everything left me, and I have a hard time to go back to the US, so I can continue my life over there.
So now, since you know my life....I need someone to tell me where God is! Why did all this happen to me, even tho I believe in him! Why did he take everything from me? Why don't I get a chance to make my life better. Doesn't he see me when I cry at night? Doesn't he see my suffer inside of me?
I see no reason to live or to pray anymore. And do not take me wrong, ... I know who my God is ( Jesus Christ ) but all this...my whole life... its just too much for me to take. He took my father... why doesn't he give me my wife back? Don't tell me because she is a bad person. I know her and I know who she is. I have been stuck here in Egypt for 3 years...and I am almost 24 now. So anyone... how can I win my faith in God again, after all this???
Sorry for the long message...I had to let it out.
