This is a peculiar issue for a girl to come forward with, and I am starting to feel overcome by it all. I have found myself recently (after being triggered for the first time by an unexpected erotic scene in a book I was reading) being tempted by pornography. I don't.. do anything; but I find myself being drawn into it more and more - wanting to watch it, I don't even know why. I'm 22 so beyond the 'teenage-raging-hormones' years, and it has come from nowhere. But I keep getting pulled in and find myself sitting watching things I never ever thought I would. I never feel any pleasure or satisfaction, during or when I finally realize that I am gaining absolutely nothing and switch it off. I don't know what I expect to gain. I understand the purpose of these movies and stuff, but I find myself feeling more empty than anything while doing this. And even worse afterwards. Surely I should be able to just stop this since I can see the outcome is always the same? I also understand the basic principles of stopping this, but I find my willpower seriously lacking. I plan to be VERY selective of what I read from now on since that was what triggered it. It was by no means an erotic book, but I guess it's common for alot of books to include even a brief encounter of, eh, 'intimacy'. From now on I'll screen things properly and avoid anything which may have something triggering in it. I enjoy christian fiction so I'll stick to it more. And I know distracting myself when I feel any urge to do this, but it's shocking how HARD that is! I just can't seem to say NO. I let myself be taken over by these feelings and then deal with the aftermath later. I know prayer and scripture are the best medicine but when these thoughts enter my mind, I find myself thinking "it's not that big of a deal" or "I can't pray when my mind is full of this stuff, it's just not right" - i know this is probably the work of Satan and I should ignore it but I keep losing that battle. I love God deeply, honestly I do, and the most painful thing is that I am closer to Him than ever, so letting Him down like this is really affecting me. I feel depressed and anxious, and above all, pure filthy; and yet I keep getting drawn in to this horrible thing. I feel like I'm becoming addicted and my negative feelings are getting deeper because of it. I realize how pathetic this sounds, but I honestly am struggling and I am far too ashamed to talk to my pastor or anyone I know in person.

If anyone has ever dealt with this I would REALLY appreciate some advice. If anyone can please, please spare a moment for a quick prayer, I would really appreciate that. Thank you

PS - If there is a way to rate this as unsuitable for minors please let me know, I couldn't figure out a way to mark it as 'adult content' or whatever, and although i read the rules when I joined I'm not quite sure if this will have to be removed. I tried to be as tactful as possible.