Thank you Glen for referring me to these message boards.

Let me start by saying I am a Christian woman and believe in the Lord. I also believe all things happen for a reason. In a very low spiritual moment I was having a few nights ago, I was led to another set of message boards that Glen moderates and was drawn to speak with him.

I come from an abused background, which has led me down some pretty dark paths through the course of my life. I have made some poor choices and have learned from the experiences, but have continually followed the same pattern of behavior through most of my adult life. It has caused a lot of damage even though I had gone through counseling for it. I have hit a crossroads this past week and recognize what it is that I need to do for true emotional healing. I have my good moments and my bad each day, but I know I have lost grasp on my faith as a Christian woman.

This story is not just about me, 2007 has not been a kind year to many people that I care for around me. It has been one of great trials and already we have suffered 2 losses within the first week of the year. It has impacted me greatly and has brought me to my current emotional low.

I am asking for prayer for those that are suffering around me. Prayers of recovery for those that have fallen ill and for those that have passed onto His grace, may they have found peace. Prayer for those suffering from depression and loss, may they regain their strength to pick up and carry onward. Finally, prayer for myself, to have the strength to continue the steps I have taken to emotional recovery, not fall back onto my past patterns and to continue to trust the one person I let close to me emotionally. Prayer for him to continue the same with me. Prayer to help me find my faith in the Lord again. Once I could hear his voice clearly, helping me to show me the path where he wanted me to be even when I didn't understand what it was he was telling me. Now all I hear is silence in my own pain and despair.

I know I am asking much of the Lord and much from all of you as a community, but I fear I may loose myself completely if I do not find Him again.

Thank you, Jade...and welcome. I believe half your prayer has already been answered. The Bible says draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. We'll continue to pray for you and your family. I lost my 51 year old brother and my mother within about 10 weeks of each other, so, I know how devastating that loss can be.

Jade, I can relate to how you feel right now. When you said "Once I could hear his voice clearly" and "Now all I hear is silence in my own pain and despair" I wanted to reach out to you. I know the silence that you refer to. It's like the connection with God has been interrupted or broken.

For myself, I have fallen on my knees for many months now and begged God to talk to me. For a long time, I haven't understood why I don't hear from him. It hurts not to hear the answers...oh, how it hurts. I came across a couple of passages in the Psalms and it let me know that we're not alone in this silence:

"I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply, I wait for you O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." - Psalm 38:13-15

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" - Psalm 10:1

I think sometimes we expect those answers to come right away, but things happen according to God's will and His own timetable. For me, I think I've been expecting answers, but I haven't been listening in the right way. How many times have we been surprised in the ways that the Lord blesses us? It's like when you're expecting company and you step outside to the road and look for your friend's car to approach. Then it turns out that your friend came up a back road and pulls in behind you. We get locked into facing one direction all of the time, when God's blessings can come at us in any direction. We need to open our eyes and hearts to the many ways that the Lord responds to our calls.

In the same light, we need to approach God from different directions. Psalm 33 says to "Sing to him a new song." From the Lord's perspective, I probably have the same look and speech every time I come to Him in prayer. Goodness, I know that I've probably worn grooves into the carpet where I've been down on my knees praying the same way, over and over like a broken record player. Recently, I've changed this routine and have tried to listen to the Lord in different ways. I've started to go outside and pray and I've tried to see how the Lord may be revealing Himself through other means...whether it's through Bible study, family and friends, or through subtle events in my life. I'm finding that God has been there all the time -- I've just been wearing blinders, so to speak. In addition to that, I find that I want to praise Him more and more. There are things He has blessed me with that I haven't recognized before and I praise Him for these new revelations.

We don't always see the reasons behind the delays and our human nature begs for a quick fix. For example, my wife and I prayed and prayed for the blessing of a child. My wife suffered two miscarriages and we just couldn't understand why this had happened to us. A fews months after that, I lost my job and we have been in financial trouble ever since. If we had be given a child at that time, it would have been a terrible time for all of us. Our prayers were not answered, because God knew the timing would be difficult on us. He knows what's best for us and sometimes He delays a blessing, because it's not the right time. The Lord does watch out for us, even though we may not understand what's going on at the time.

Just remember that the Lord does hear your prayers, Jade. The answers aren't always as we expect, but God knows our needs and He knows our hearts.

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live." - Psalm 116: 1-2

I'll be praying for you and your family.