My son's father has a very bad addiction to drugs. He and I have a friendship that goes back over 10 years. While we share mutual love, my feelings for him are sometimes of the romantic nature and his for me are now platonic- though he sometimes gives me mixed messages and I must admit that I have not completely given up hope someday that he will return my feelings.
He used to use just marijuana but over they past couple of years had advanced to IV drugs. I had not seen him for a year as he has a young girlfriend who shares his habit and has lost touch with most of his family. He called me over Easter and we actually had a good visit. I must confess that I have used cocaine recreationally in the past and we did use some while we were out on Friday, but I would not let him do anything smoked or IV- for this is what I really fear will kill him- result in an overdose.
Anyway, he also visited with his family on Saturday and Easter Sunday. He then headed "back out of town." While we spent time together he talked about how depressing his life has become and how strong his addiction and how he thought he would quit when he hit rock bottom, but now doesn't know when that would be.

Since he left I have become consumed in fear that he will die. I feel like there is no end to this situation without death and am constantly thinking that I will get the call that he has overdosed.
While I love him. I just really want him to be happy and safe- whether I never see him again or not. I do not know if I could handle facing his death and often wish he would get arrested if that would keep him safe.

Please pray for Paul. Pray that he will be saved. Pray that he will be released from his addiction. Pray for angels to guard over him. Pray that God will have mercy on him and let His Will be done in his life.

Please pray for me. Please release me from my anxiety and worry. Please help me to love with boundaries. Let God's Will be Done in My Life.

AmyC,
I will pray for Paul, but honestly I'm worried about you at this point. You mentioned using cocaine over the Easter holiday. Recreational or not, cocaine is a HIGHLY ADDICTIVE and DEADLY drug and it is just as dangerous as the "smoked" or "IV" drugs. You're putting your trust in total strangers and hoping that they're not giving you something that will kill you instantly when you take it. You can overdose on any illegal drug and none of them are good for your body.

I think it's wonderful that you have genuine feelings for Paul and it shows that you are a good person to be so concerned for his safety. However, in order to truly help him, you are going to have to get free of the drugs yourself...completely. You cannot help him with this addiction when you are using as well. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's the truth and you need to hear that.

You said "Let God's Will be Done in My Life." I am certain that God wants you to quit using drugs and then to help your friend Paul. Do this for God. Do it for yourself and your son. Then help your son's father once you are clean. If you want Paul to quit, then you are going to have to set an example for him to follow. He won't stop while he knows that you are using drugs.

The passage below comes from 2 Corinthians 7:1
"Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."

This passage is from 1 Peter 5:8
"Be self-controlled and alert (sober). Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."

The devil is going to try and convince you that you're in control of your addiction. He'll tell you that you can quit anytime that you want to. He'll tell you that there are worse things and that you only do a little at a time. Right now, he's probably telling you to stop reading this and to close the window on your browser. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.

AmyC, please consider going for some Christian counseling to address your drug use. It'll be the first step in helping yourself and then it'll be a road to helping your friend Paul. I'll be praying for you and Paul, so that you can both break completely away from the drug use. Don't be in bondage to this any longer. God will ease your anxiety and worry. Pray to God that He gives you the strength to deny these habits and draw nearer to Him. He will help you if you ask Him to.

Amy, I'm praying for you and Paul. I had a lot to say until I read Steve's post. He said it differently than I would, but his conclusions are mostly correct. I admire your courage to confess to drug use in a Christian forum and believe it's because you truly do want to follow God. Leaving the Bible and the spiritual aside for a moment, from my addiction counseling experience and as an addict for 17 years, let me give you 3 reasons you should never again use an addictive drug recreationally:
1. You want to have a healthy body and a clear heart and mind when pursuing your career and raising your son. These things impact your energy and judgment for days after using them.
2. You want Paul to stop using them. Can you imagine what it looks like encouraging Paul to quit drugs while snorting cocaine with him? Some thing's missing in the sales pitch!
3. Most importantly, you want your son to stay off drugs. May I share how effective my Dad's cautions against smoking and drinking were? He taught all 5 of his kids not to do that. Four ended up smoking, one died from emphysema. All ended up abusing alcohol and drugs...3 needed some sort of resident detox and mental care before becoming sober. One is still drinking to this day. You see, what my Dad did spoke so loudly, we couldn't hear what he said. Theses chemicals change your personality, sometimes for days after using them. If your son is over 18 months old, he is consciously aware you're up to something, even if he wasn't present at the time of use. There is no hiding it from him. As an added bonus, the sooner you put all that stuff in your past, the less effect the hypocrisy factor will have when he's a teenager and wants to try the stuff, himself.

I hope this helps! We'll be praying for you all.

First, I want to thank you for the responses. I admit that I have felt guilty ever since we did "party" together. I do not used drugs regularly, but do a couple of times a year when I have been out drinking. Also do more with Paul as it seems to "bond" us and get us to talking.
I hear the truth in what you are saying and do commit myself to remaining drug free from here forward. However, I am now worried and feel guilty that I have somehow encouraged Paul's drug use and feel incredible guilty and responsibility.
I found out this morning he was admitted to the hosptial for a esophaegal bleed as a result of drug use. I work in healthcare and have managed to get a social worker involved in a referral for rehab. However, as you said, I feel such hypocrisy for using what I did with him. How do I rid myself of this guilt? Do you think I bear responsibility for his addiction as well?

Please don't take anything I said to suggest you are in any way responsible for Paul's drug addiction. That's on him...plain and simple. You were just behaving the way you had in the past. I just wanted you to know if you want a different future, you have to take different steps...which you are taking. It's great that Paul got admitted to the hospital and will be referred to rehab. You could encourage him to go to rehab by saying this episode has taught you a lesson and drugs are no longer part of your life. Tell him you'll be there to support his quitting, as he said he would.
This may be God providing a Divine appointment for both of you. Praise Him!

Unfortunately Paul was not receptive to the idea of rehab- saying that he was doing 1/10 of what he did this time last year. They will probably release him from the hospital in the morning.
I did not call him in the hospital- thinking maybe I need some space for my own sanity. I feel an overwhelming burden when it comes to Paul- a responsibility for him, etc. My parents both had drug and alcohol issues and I know some of this is rooted in codependency from my childhood. I also know that my attachment to Paul- wanting a romantic relationship with him when he doesn't- trying to figure out why he doesn't feel that way about me and chooses other people who I think can not offer as much as me- wondering why people love me but are not "in love with me" is also my insecurity.
Thanks for the wisdom and please continue to remember both me and Paul in your prayers.