I’ve been married 9 months now, and we have had a continuous problem. I knew before I got married that I did not love my husband. I liked him and thought he was a good person, and I’m sexually attracted to him. I decided marriage was a commitment and besides people used to not even marry for love, they had arranged marriages. It kills me because I don’t think I would have ever brought up marriage if he hadn’t. Through our engagement I kept saying I wasn’t sure, but when we never really opened up conversation, so I just caved. I thought maybe I just had “jitters".

I’ve “broken up” with my husband every month since. He is very deeply in love with me, but I was just planning to have like a roommate/friend set-up. I get really smothered when he is romantic, or shows affection, and it makes me think this whole thing was a mistake. It's to the point where I don't really want to be around him most of the time. Also, I've never missed him either when he was gone. I heard this thing that said to "find someone you can't live without, not someone you can live with. Marriage is hard with someone you are madly in love with, but murder with someone aren't passionate about."

I don’t want to divorce because of the seriousness of the commitment, but in my heart I know I don’t want to be with him. He has told me if I don’t want to to seriously just leave. He will be devastated, but doesn’t wan to be the cause of my misery. It would break my heart to hurt him like that. He said he would have a hard time loving anyone else as much as he loves me.

Also, he proposed 3 months after we met. We talked about marriage about a month and a half after meeting. We were engaged 5 months, and I started having second thoughts the second after he asked, and it has never stopped.

I know God wants us to work this out, but where do I even start? We are going to counseling. I feel like I’m just going to break his heart the rest of our lives. What do I do??

Hi May! I'm really not sure what you mean by "love," I think you might be a little confused about it, too. You say you like him, you're sexually attracted to him and you don't want to break his heart. That sounds like a pretty good definition of love, to me. Now, maybe you've been in another kind of "love" before, but if that was love, what happened to that relationship? If you haven't, how do you know this isn't "Love?''

It appears you're making a whole lot of trouble for yourself and your husband by chasing an illusion, when you seem, at least to me, to have the real thing right in front of you. What I recommend is to put divorce out of your mind and pour all of yourself into being the best wife for the husband you have. I've counseled more than a few people who ended a relationship under these circumstances only to discover, too late, that true love is what they turned their backs on.

Maybe you are right. He keeps telling me he doesn't believe that I don't love him. I was in love when I was 19, and I knew deep down that I loved this guy and nothing could change that. He broke my heart, and I did get over him, but it scares me that I have never concrete "I know I love you" feeling about my husband.

Maybe what I felt for that other guy wasn't really love. I still have baggage from that apparently, and maybe it is an illusion I have not ever let go of.

Also, I must add that every person in my family (whose opinion I deeply trust, and believe that they know me very well) believes I do love him. I'm just having a hard time letting go of this illusion if that's what it is. I've gone whole days thinking about nothing but ended my marriage, and obsess over it. It's been like that since the beginning. We get in the same fight every month. How can I break out of this habit? I feel like I have to totally brain-wash myself to stay in the marriage. My family has prayed over me, I read my Bible, I discuss with my husband. But I still bawl and am deeply unhappy.

Dear May
I am a recently divorced man, and I have a perspective for you. I applaud your commitment to your husband. The right thing to do is by now beat into your brain, and you are committed to doing the right thing. I hesitate to bring up the other, but I think it is some thing that you should hear. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin, in fact I don't know that it is a sin at all. What makes divorce wrong is the pain it causes. I know that right now you feel much like a prisoner, looking out into the world from what the world would view as a good life with a good man. Your friends and family all encourage you to stay in this institution, and you desperately scratch at the walls, your heart secretly begging that some one simply gives you the ok.
So here it is, I am giving you the ok. Life will go on, God will forgive you, and eventually you will led a normal life and perhaps find love again.
This ok has a caution. This caution comes from just one mans experience and may not resemble your own. Divorce is painful, it is one of the most painful experiences you can ever have. Only you know if you love the man you married, and I can't promise you that you will ever fall in love with your husband, and even the pain of divorce fades.
Is your head spinning? It should be, this isn't an easy situation to approach. There will be a lot of consequences to divorce, and there are consequences to staying where you are. Only you and God can decide on the coarse. If you stay consider counseling, and a personally question, do you and your husband pray together privately? What are your mutual spiritual lives like? Are you both fully and honestly seeking God, or just going through the motions? Don't answer that here, just ponder it.
Good luck to you, and God bless.

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I did the same as you did. I mean the exact same..I know the pain. The "but" in that is this--I am getting remarried to him after 11 years being divorced from him. I asked Jesus for a change in my heart for him, and I believe that has happened, but I still don't have that butterfly feeling that I think I should have, I think Jesus is trying to teach me what real love is. I want to not think of my own feeling for once and make someone else happy, in turn God will come through for me as promised. I have faith that jesus will take me in my marrage where I never though I could go. God bless you, and know you will never be alone

Thank you so much Shannah! We have actually gone to counseling since then and it has been sooo helpful! We are clearing up a ton of communication stuff. Patterns he has/patterns I have, and the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. I think I’m learning that difference between “being in love” and having a good healthy fulfilling relationship.

After a really good counseling session we were driving home. We saw an old goofy-looking couple dressed all funny riding on a golf cart and it made us both laugh. It was funny because they could have cared less what they looked like, they were just so comfortable with each other and didn’t care! Real love, I’m learning, is about putting someone else first, being open and honest, and building trust. I couldn’t do that before because I felt like I was holding back so much. Recently, I’ve been honest about my feelings during the engagement, like how I tried to express my doubt only to be ignored (I felt). Instead of our relationship falling apart, like I had imagined the truth would do.. I have been met with understanding from him. He told me he would have waited to propose if I had just told him. But I was scared too back then.

Our counselor said if you can’t be yourself in a relationship, it isn’t big enough. I’ve started to be open and honest with my husband. He hasn’t fallen apart, our relationship hasn’t broken, if anything a ton of pressure is being relieved.

Marriage really is so much about friendship, honesty and trust, which is what I think people really want. We like the falling in love excitement (which I actually do think I experienced the first couple months we were together), but we really desire a partner and friend we can always turn to, and that takes honesty, trust, commitment, and time.

I’ve realized I’m not alone too Shannah, thank you so much for letting me know that! May God bless all our marriages, and teach us true love, sacrifice, forgiveness, and trust.

LuzDeLaMundo-

My husband actually told me that too.. he said if you choose to leave, God will forgive you. He has opened up that door to me several times. He said if you really want out, just go. One time he even told me that he doesn't even care anymore and he doesn't even consider us together anymore. (He was angry then though).

The consequences of staying could be that I meet someone else eventually that I think "wow, I could have fallen for this person and been really happy with them". This very well may happen, but if it does I'll keep in mind that I would have to start all over with that person, and it would be work, just like my marriage is now. I think I can live with "passing up" other loves I could have had. Like I said I'm enjoying the gift of friendship, intimacy, and trust I'm now experiencing in my marriage.


Consequences of leaving are that I think I would find that I really do love my husband, and I would probably find love again, but only because I let this love go. I would always wonder what God had planned for us.

I'm thinking we have just had a lot of miscommunication. The whole engagement and marriage went on a timeline I wouldn't have chosen, but I don't want to throw the baby(our relationship) out with the bathwater (miscommunication/confusion).

Also, I don't think divorce is a forgivable sin, although still a sin, for many reasons. I just can't justify it because I just don't "feel" like working it out. That wasn't really part of my vow. I said for better or for worse. It has been the worse part for a while, but I truly think that there is a lot of better in the future for us. What a shame to break a covenant with God that has so much potential for blessing!

As far as divorce being wrong because of pain, does that make marriage wrong because of pain? Jesus taught sacrifice as being true love. It would have seemed sort of shallow if Jesus had not been crucified for our sake. I think love is bearing pain for the sake of someone else. Not inflicting pain on others so I can bear my own. I think divorce is a sin because your restricting God's will. I think both people can move on through the pain and be fine, but what are they missing out on?

Can I ask you why you got divorced?

well, firstly you shouldnt have married him. now, since you have married him, be a good christian and try to work things out. if you cant, then iguess there is no other alternative!i strongly suggest, you shouldnt marry a person whom you dont love
okay, tell me one thing. does he knows that you only liked him initially, is he aware of your feeling that when he is out you dont miss him etc. iam asking just to plan what he might me thinking about you



JWP
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WOOOOW!!!!...Its like you are walking in my shoes. I am in a similar situation and live in a constant state of turmoil that seems to grow by the week.

so, i agree i shouldn't have gone through with it if i knew i didn't love him... we went to christian counseling for a while, even the counselor said it might be best if we split up.

still confused.. one thing i might add is i wasn't SURE if i loved him.. which is different than 'knowing i don't love him'. any thoughts on that? how do you know you love someone and want to be with them? i never figured it out before taking the vows.

also, i've relieved some of my baggage from past relationships, which has been good. Past heart-breaks, past broken friendships (old friends have gotten in touch with me). baggage with my brother.. he recently told my family he had been sexually abused as a kid, no one knew. He admitted to me that he took a lot of anger out on me growing up and tried to keep my self confidence as low as possible. don't get me wrong he was a good brother too, i always knew he cared for me and loved me. I've changed a lot of things in my life too: part-time at work, taking college classes, new church.

YES.. my husband knows how i feel, although we've moved from a fighting/crisis mode, to 'trying to figure things out' mode. we're tired of the same discussion over and over.. i must admit though, i'm still stuck on how to move forward if i can't get past that i think this was a mistake?

i almost called off the wedding a few weeks before.. it was a terrible night, and we just 'got passed' it and never really talked about it. i think it's been the root of a lot of our marital troubles. i basically tried to hold my breath to get through the whole thing until the wedding. looking back i don't know why i did if it was that hard. anyway, recently he let me read his journal, and i found out his side of the story of that night... he didn't want to marry me if i didn't want to marry him! he wanted me to take time to figure things out!! he was mad at me and felt like i'd lied to him! he wanted me to wait until i had no doubt that he was the one for me!! I SO WISH HE HAD TOLD ME THAT. i married him thinking he could care less about what i wanted, or if i was ready, as long as he had me. i've seen him as insecure, co-dependent, and selfish for knowing how unsure i was about all this, but not caring.. as long as he had me. maybe that isn't as true as i thought?

why we have gone a year and a half without really discussing these things productively.. beats me.. i sure wish he would have told me before the wedding though!! i think i felt overwhelmed, like i needed permission, and (i felt) everyone kept giving me the go ahead... even if i didn't want to...

it makes me feel a little different, knowing didn't want me to if i didn't want to. honestly, i probably would have called it off or postponed it. maybe we just needed more time for our relationship to grow? maybe we can still get that?

It's funny because this makes a lot more sense to me know. don't get me wrong, i amd by no means out of the woods, i still consider leaving actually : / but i'm starting to realize maybe i have been chasing a dream. trying to find something that maybe is right in front of me... i do still think it was very unwise to rush into marriage, and marry someone i was so doubtful about... but i'm not sure it would be wise now to leave... just to find out what i had right in fron of me is what i wanted, and lose my chance. he has told me he would move on with his life and not wait for me. i know i oculd find someone else... but it would be like finding a 9 out of 10, when right now maybe i have a 8.5 out of 10... is it worth it for the extra little bit?

May24 -

Marriage is a commitment. “Love” in the modern sense is essentially just overwhelming sexual attraction.

We expect to have “butterflies” but the butterflies are the oscillations between the object of our desire (that other person) and our own selfish expectations which were formulated through the fantasies of our youth.

There is the expectation that Prince Charming (that Knight un Shining Armor) will come along, SWEEP us off our feet, take us away to unimaginable Bliss where we will “live happily ever after”.

Well, that sort of thing doesn’t happen very often - but we anticipate it anyway. It is what impels us to desire marriage in the first place. While that may serve to get us married, it becomes somewhat useless for getting down to the Business of BEING married.

I have a perfect example of a married couple being madly in love with each other. My aunt and uncle (both dead now). They were so hung-up on each other that their two sons were almost completely neglected - treated like interlopers interfering with their relationship. The result was the sons were mal-adjusted. She threw the oldest one (a young teenager) out of the house repeatedly and constantly fought with him.

What I have witnessed far many more times have been marriages that were more pr less marriages of convenience in which maybe one loved the other more than was loved. Marriages through-out much of human history have mostly been arranged by parents where-in neither person loved the other at all.

But again, marriage is a commitment. If we keep that commitment, it may go well for us or it may not - depending on if the other person will also keep his/her commitment.

Once the desire to get married is satisfied by getting married, then the relationship needs to “shift gears” and get down to the business of assuring that the other person’s needs are provided for. It doesn’t actually take “love” to do this but it does take commitment. Under these circumstances, a non-lustful love for one another grows over the years to replace sexual attraction.

Love grows from simply being closely associated with a person over a long period of time. That’s what happens in office romances. Unfortunately when that happens each person sees only what he or she wants to see and ignores every negative signal.

Each of us has something in our characters that is unavoidably irritating to others and unfortunately for us all; these become more clearly seen once the “honeymoon” is over.

But again, if you are willing to keep your commitment to him and he is also willing o keep his commitment to you, then it will eventually all work out and a mutual love and respect will be the result.

Shalom.

thank you- that's helpful. i must say my thinking has changed a lot over the past few months. i can't say it's a "loveless" marriage at all. i don't really believe that. there are areas i think we need to work on as far as his needs/my needs, and areas of compatibility. but i'm starting to realize what it takes to have good marriage, and the modern sense of 'love' isn't as important as i thought. i don' think it's even what i'm looking for. i think i'm looking for closer companionship, which i think can be achieved over time. i've had to say goodbye to my imaginary 'prince charming', and realize i'm not missing out on him, and he doesn't even exist, in anyone i would meet.

it bothers me sometimes that he is seems soo 'in love ' with me, because it makes me feel like i'm being jipped, because my feelings for him aren't the same. but he is a man, and a lot of that could be sexual. he has reassured me over and over that he values my companionship most of all though, which is nice.

anyway, after going through all this, i'm not sure what i'm looking for or what's 'missing'.. but i don't think the answer is quitting and starting over, or the opposite, thinking i will be miserable for the rest of my life... so i think things are ok. it's not a 'loveless' marriage. i do love him... i just get frustrated, i've had to shift my whole life around, and i have no idea what i want or where i'm going... and it scares me. i think that's probably the real issue.

May,
Wow. That's all I can say. It is now Jan. 28th, almost a year after you first wrote this blog. I'm wondering how you are doing.
I have been married for 8 months. Almost identical experience. After many months of tears, fear, anxiety, depression and remorse over making "the wrong decision," I have conceded to this: God is ultimately in control. He is a filter in our lives. As Christians, we give our lives to the Lord, especially before a huge commitment like marriage. It seems to me that God must have allowed us to make this decision (even amidst all the doubt, fear and anxiety) as there was some good to come from it. Also, could it be that it is really a fear of being committed to this person whom we are "unsure" if we are "in love" with? If we don't think of our marriages in terms of "forever" and we focus on today, I bet we would make the same decision again.

I too had experienced a very passionate and chemistry-oriented love before this marriage. I was married for 10 years to a man who beat me, cheated on me, gave me every STD except HIV, and who left me during my pregnancies alone. This is the "one" I have thought was my "true" love. Today I am married to a man who loves Christ more than me, who loves me more than himself, and I am afraid this isn't true love. Sounds twisted right? Like you, I have been a slave to the fantasy of "love," exalting above even my Lord and Savior. I have committed sin in the eyes of the Lord in order to obtain this fantasy that always vaporized in the end. When I married, I based the decision from the word of God that told me what kind of man to consider. My heart may not have been in it fully, perhaps I married too soon, but the point is I married. I made a commitment, and that is where ture love begins. What happened next was clearly God allowing me to be in a position where I had to choose between my fantasy and God's word. I considered divorce briefly, on occasions, wanting to "fix" the "mistake" I had made. Slowly I began to realize that for so long I had made "romantic love" my God and this was the true test. Follow my own instincts, my own desires, or believe and obey the word of God which tells us that God hates divorce.

So, I hung in there, and I too am learning that true love is developed over time. My friend and haristylist thought I was crazy when I told her why I was marrying my husband. She said, "don't you have to be in love too?" I said, "you know, I've been down that road and it almost got me killed, so now I want to try something different, trusting God's word." Sadly, a few months later, this woman found out that the man she was madly in love with, had a 10 year old son with, had fallen "out of love" with her and left her for another woman.

Let us re-examine the word our culture throws around like a pizza: Love. It isn't a butterfly-feeling, it isn't the joy that we get from someone else's existence. It is a commitment between two people to support, encourage, uplift and protect one another throughout life. It is a purpose to minister to another human being until their spirit meets with Jesus.

God bless, and thank you for sharing.

Hey all-

We have been good for about 8 months, but just had another blow-up fight, and it feels like we're back where we started- Am I in this or not?

I've worked through a lot, and the past year has been better because of it. I realized just because we started off bad, doesn't mean that can't change... so I've had that attitude, and it's been better.
Also- I've worked through the whole 'love' thing. I honestly don't care about the certain 'feelings' or whatever, and I'm totally at peace with that. I'm not expecting some sort of falling in love epxerience, and I don't feel that it's 'wrong' to not be 'in love'. Seriously... I feel totally at peace with that.

So we got in a fight and basically it came out that I'm still not really committed. I sometimes see our marriage as a mistake I made when I was 23, and I have to pay for, for the rest of my life. So we've been better because 'I have to make it work' and 'might as well make it pleasant'. Ashamed as I am, that is really how I feel. He's sick of it, and wants me to commit 100% and I don't know why I can't..... so I'm going to counseling AGAIN. By myself.

I don't know if I left him if I wouldn't deeply regret it eventually. It goes back to I wish I would have been strong enough to say 'NO I won't do this half-way, I won't do that to you'. And wishing he would have said, No- I won't let you do this half way, I love you, and don't want to lose you, but I don't want only half of you.

It's not a matter of do you have the "in-love" feelings, it's are you 100% in or not?

So after all this time, I realize love and marriage at it's base, really is COMMITMENT. And I'm trying to figure out if I need to be 100% in or 100% out. I need SERIOUS help, so I'm going to the counselor. I hate that I'm abusive to him.

Other things I've worked through are not just staying in this because I'll disappoint my family or the church. I called my dad bawling, and he said the last thing I should be thinking about is what my family thinks, or anyone else for that matter.

I've learned that the reasons I've been making things work are not going to sustain us...worrying about how others will judge me, because I'm 'in it' already, because I'm not sure what I want.

I've realized I need to be in it because I alone choose to be 100% committed. So I think it's a good place to be.

Now I just want to find out why I can't seem to do that... so that's why I'm going to counseling. Is it something wrong with me, or is it really just an unfortunate situation, or both?