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I'm an 18 year old female that for the past 7 months has gone through a very strange "demonic/Spiritual" attack/situation.
I have always been very on fire for God.Always striving to do God's will in my life. I gave my life to jesus at the age of 4. Gone through an eating disorder, and various other things that brought me really close to God.

I'm sure there were other things that weren't right with God, as is there is in any human being, but there was one thing inparticular.
A little less than two years ago i thought God thought told me that this one person was "The One" for me. So time and time again the thought would roll through my head. Often times, this thought would roll through my head so much that it would lead to me feeling like i was going to go insane because i could not get this thought out of my head--(Is he or is he not the one). Sometimes at church, when i would be struggling with that thought, i would get prayed for, and though God would never give me a direct answer, He always gave me the directin that i needed(such as, Keep Your Focus on ME, i tell you this because i love you, and will bless you with the blessings I have for you) So for a while i would quit the thought, or just leave it to the back of my mind. For a while, i even "forgot" about him. When i saw him i wouldn't have the nagging thought"is he or is he not the one". And when it would pop into my mind i would just push it back out with prayer or singing or something like that. When i did this i felt better, i felt good.
While i was not thinking about him, i grew closer to God. I was happier. Sometimes though, i would get a "something's missing" feeling inside my heart, it was as if i was longing for "something" but didn't quite know what it was for sure. Anyways, After awhile i went back to the thought(is he or is he not the one). A few months later , once again, i was asking God about it, and searching for some direction. I really just wanted to know what i should do about it. So, one day while at a youth center in my town that i like to go to, a "prophet" came to talk to us. AFter the meeting i asked for prayer.(i didn't say what it was for) Before prayer, i asked God to give me direction. ANyways, as soon as this guy started to pray for me, one of the first things he said was, "be careful with boyfriends--or things of the such-- God wants you to not only keep your physical purity, but also your spiritual purity,----God does not want you to feel tainted---i just feel like the devil is throwing something at you--God will send the RIGHT ONE, at the right time. At that point i knew i need to forget the thought and press on, i just needed to drop it. And then he said"Don't compromise, not even for a second"
So, I felt that was conformation enough. But, the next day, while at school, the devil started throwing that thought at me again. The words don't compromise, not even for a second, would convict me, everytime this thought would start coming to mind, and i would start singing and fighting off the devil. Later that day though, for some STUPID reason, i decided that , well, i'll just talk about this thing again to my sister. I KNEW it was wrong, I KNEW that i shouldn't have, i just wanted to bring it up again for no apparent reason, i guess i just wanted someone to say"it's okay if you think about it, it's okay if you "feel" that way about someone, it's okay, its okay . . .
Anyways, i approached my sister, and said"I know i shouldn't, but . . ." and the conversation went on, and it led to the conclusion that basically, "it's okay. . ." (when it was not)
Two days later, while lying in Bed, i was thinking about life. I was just thinking about how i wanted to spend my future, what i wanted to do, and how i had spent the last 5 yrs of my life. All of the sudden though, i started getting this thought about my life being short, it shocked me, and it scared me. I thought it was God, but was wondering why he would tell me that, and then something started telling me all these things, and i was going allong with it trying to make it sound good and making it so it wouldn't scare me. IT was all these visions and things. It sounded good and it was something about how " The reason why the past 5yrs of my life are hard to look back on and think about it because i never did anytihng that I WANTED to do I NEVER did this and i never did that, I WANTED to do this thing but never did it because of THIS and THAT etc. I thought this thing sounded good and wonderful, just a tad weird though.
Morning finally came, and for a couple of days i started doing what I WANTED to do. It seemed harmless. It seemed right. About a week passed and the night before i had my XC(cross country) districts race and a prophetic meeting at that prophet's house, my sister and I were talkiing about things. The thing about the one came up and I said to her "ya know, and so-and-so is not the one etc. We prayed, and the Holy spirit even started moving and it was a good night. The next day, i had my race but once again the thought popped back into my mind. I started dabbling with it. I felt tainted, and i knew it was wrong. Later that day I went to the prophetic meeting. There I told God, “Please give me confirmation one more time, just one more time,” though I knew in the first place that it was wrong anyways. AS soon as I prayed that, the man who was talking up front, explaining what prophecy was, he said,”Prophetic truths are not like so-and-so is going to mary so-and-so and such.The only way we can get God’s blessing is if we are obedient to Him. Just because we prophecy about your life and what is going to happen, does not mean that we can just be disobedient and careless bcause if you are not obedient to God’s commands then it wont happen, we must be obedient.” He then said, “ God does not want us to feel tainted, or wronged, etc . . .What’s the devil out to do? Steal, kill, and destroy . . .” and at that point I knew that what I had done was wrong!!! So I said in my mind,”Fine” to God and once again I forgot about the thought. Later that night we got in groups to pray over people and prophecy. They said that if a word or anything came to our mind while praying for the person just go ahead and tell them because if it was not right then they would know it was not right. I guess you could say that we were “practicing” or excercising our gifts. More than a couple of times I got a word but did not say it, and other times I did. When It got to my turn they said that I had a gift for prophetic truths ,so I went around and told everyone the words that I had when they were getting prayed for. They then said that they felt that I was supposed to make sure I keep my focus on God because they felt like something was trying to take it off God, they then said that they felt that God wanted me to zero in on something . . .There was a couple of other things they said but I can’t quite remember it all. That night I started to get confused with the prophetic truths thing. I started getting all these things that were confusing. I wanted to do the right thing and tell the people what I was supposed to tell them but I wasn’t sure if what I was getting was from God or not.
After the meeting that night, I felt really awful. I remembere about what the guy said about being obedient to God and I felt really awful. I asked forgiveness, but I felt a sever disconnection from God. I felt like something snapped inside, so tosay..I realized what I had done, that I sinned against God, very wrongfully, and on purpose, for no apparent reason.

started getting some “visions” again. The next day I was still really torn about what had happened. I remember singing a song that said, “cast me not away from thy presence Oh, Lord, etc . . .” and I just felt really ashamed, and like separated from God, I felt torn, and if ever I thought I knew how eve felt after she and adam ate the apple, I would say that is how it felt.
Later that day I started to get really confused about things that I wanted to do and what I didn’t’ want to do. I then was headed to a concert with my friends. I was sitting in the back of the car with my one friends who I’ll call “ Lisa”, as we were driving to the concert I got a voice that said, “ask her what God has been doing in her life lately,” I thought this was kinda odd because ,that’s not how I usually minister to people. Usually I just get to know them and allow them to be comfortable with me. And then kinda slowly make my way into ministering and witnessing to them. I kinda felt funny, and I didn’t know why it was so forceful, but I eventually gave into it and asked her because I wanted to do the right thing, so anyways, I asked her and we talked a little bit.
When we arrived at the concert, something kept pushing me again to go around and tell people stuff, and I did, first it started with just one person, and then it ballooned into me running around the concert yelling at everyone and telling every person God has a plan for your life, it was like it was the end of the world or something and then this thing told me “What if tonight was your last night on earth and you didn’t go as hard as you could for God”and stuff like that, so it would push me to tell every person about this plan etc.
A lot of other things happened that night before I got home but when I got home and layed down something started welling up inside of me. I couldn’t get comfortable in my bed. I felt really weird inside. And this thing told me that I needed to go clean my room because what if tonghitn was my last night etc. I went and cleaned my room and while I was cleaning it every little thing meant something. Like things like I had a letter from a place that had an emblem of eagles, and that place represented Heaven because of the eagle on it. And then like I read in my one journal that has verses on it a verse that says something like “ Judgement will come in the morning . . .” and that meant that how I cleaned my room that night determined my judgement in the morning, and that I was going to fly away that night and go to heaven, and I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about it or wasn’t supposed to wake any of my family members up, but it was like a secret, and that in the morning they would find my body, but I would be dead. Needless to say, I felt really really odd that whole night while cleaning my room, and eventually saw that the sun was coming up, inside I felt a bit relieved. What’s weird though is that somehow everything in my room meant something, and everything that I picked up I had to put where this thing told me to put it. Also that night I had this feeling inside—it was a “pure feeling” like God had touched my soul.
The next day, at school once again I felt realy odd. I kinda started to not like having that pure feeling because it made me feel that I had to be perfectly perfect. Like I could do no wrong. Or something. It was really confusing, I started making mistakes and leaving them on purpose(like with my schoolwork). I would do things that were”wrong” on purpose just to get rid of this feeling. The whole day everything was messed up, I felt so odd, like weird or some kind of evil. I thought that this thing that was inside of me was Jesus, and that my spirit/soul went to heaven and it was he himself inside of my body and that was why I could do no wrong because it was Him inside of me.I thought I was going to die. I remember asking the teacher if I could go lay down because I did not feel good” and ti thought I was going to die, so I needed to go lay down and die.
As I was laying there the one song came into my head that says” if you fly away tonight, I want to tell you that I love, I hope that you can hear me, I hope that you can feel me, if you fly away tonight, I want to tell you that I’m sorry , that I never told you, when we were face to face,” and then I thought well I need to go tell so-and-so that I love them because I’m going to die and I never told them how I felt about them.
So a couple of days passed and I planned to tell this person I loved them at the next youth meeting. Still everything meant something, like when people were talking to others it was like it was directed to my situation—it was directed to me. Not like they were directing it to me but as if it was intercepting into my ears and was for me. Everything I read, everything I heard. It was like some sick game. Anyways I told so and so how I felt and they thought it was funny etc. No big deal for them, but I still felt completely odd. Like I was God or something. Or like I was Jesus. Then this thing was telling me or maybe it was me making this up idunno at this point, that when so and so said that they loved me then we were both going to die and fly away or something, it was so weird.
The next day I started getting something to write down on paper, it was like a riddle. IT meant LOVE/ME, or something, and THIS meant SO-AND-SO(who I’ll just call BOB)

So it went something like this IT(ME)/THIS(BOB) is when everything will mean nothing because nothing was all you had left to lose. And it kept going, it was really long, and I just kept adding stuff to it like—IT/THIS is hard to keep awake(our ‘love for each other”) because you never tried to care when you wanted to, and the only way you can lost IT/THIS (our relationship, which there wasn’t one in the first place) is if you let go of IT(me). IT is the opposite of indifference, And it all seems backwards in your head . . .etc.
(theres so much more that has happened at this time, but I cannot fit it all in here)

Songs that stuff like “You are my hope” referred to Bob and that he was my hope in lif. Needless to say I totally took my eyes off of Jesus and was getting sucked into this disguisting thing.

Things like perfect love casts out all fear started becoming scary to me, I suddenly didn’t’ know what that meant, and had distorted ideas what that meant. It made me not want to have perfect love. This thing told me(or maybe it was just me, it was hard to tell) that perfect love was that if you really wanted someone to come to Christ, then it wouldn’t matter what they thought how you acted for Christ, or what you said about Him to them, and though this may sound good, it was really distorted. It was flipped or something. Basically this was teaching me indifference I guess. This thing showed me visions of just like going so hard in Christ that I would eventually break some kind of barrier and just like explode in Christ and would like fly away or something(weird, right???) And I suddenly could not understand what perfect love meant, and I was very afraid, confused, felt like I wanted to die or something.

That day I went to a college for a visit. I felt really empty inside, and sad or something. I felt like I just wanted to go home, and be with my family. I stayed the night, and everything went well, except the next day, something happened where I thought I had to tell every person about Christ, and everything meant something—it was really sick. I started running around and telling everyone jesus loves them and it was so weird. Certain people were supposed to be God.
My mom came an picked me up and we went right to my pastor. He prayed with me but something was still wrong. I was so confused. For about a week this went on and it was like I had a choice between this perfect happiness that was fake or total confusion. I didn’t want to be perfectly happy like fake happy( I cant really describe it) Everything just was becoming distorted. My view on life was becoming distorted. Sometimes when I would read or sing, something inside of me would shake. And then I would start shaking. I didn’t know what to do. I felt so odd, not like myself, and I didn’t know what it meant to be myself anymore. It was traumatizing.
Then I started to get a very spaced out feeling about things. Like I thought about something too much and I was starting to lose a grip on myself and life. It was as if I was literally losing my mind. Words started to become empty, and I couldn’t “thnk about tomorrow”. It was like there was demons all around me on every side. Intercepting things that people said. There was voices telling me I was going to commit the unforgiveable sin etc.
A couple of the people that were praying for me came up to me at church one Sunday and said that God had ministered to them that He was going to bring me through this thing completely, and that all I had to do was just trust Him.
Anyways, it was like I was disappearing inside or something, I couldn’t get a grip on reality. I went through various deliverance sessions but it didn’t really help. There was always one demon left that we couldn’;t figure out its name and that it had a right there. We couldn’t figure it out.
Eventually everything was getting mushed together and it ended up in my mind that I had made God a liar. And that I committed the unforgiveable sin and everything Got dark inside. I lost my gift of tongues, and everytning became dry inside. I felt so wrong, so awful. So wrong.
A few people came to pray with me, but I felt that it was too late because everything was dark, they said, that if we had the faith of a mustard seed that we could move mountains, but I said it’s not like that , it’s like I have no passion for God. Everything was dark and dry inside of me. They prayed over me, I started getting false tongues and fellings, and visions,. The next day something happened in my mind about the Holy spirit and why would I thank God for committing the unpardonable sin and it was a lie that the truth could set me free. I just felt sooo wrong, and so dark. I tried committing suicide a few times because I knew what was happening. A few weeks later, I kinda just lost it, it was like I was possessed, and I was going to try to hurt everybody.
I have gone to the doctors, and I have gone to a counselor, nothing has worked and I knew it was not going to work. Everybody tells me that ihave not committed the unpardonable sin. I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s like I lost myself( AND IM SURE THIS ALL SOUNDS WEIRD AND UNBELIEVABLE, BUT IT’S THE TRUTH)
I don’t have any feelings about anything, I don’t even hardly have thoughts, I don’t have love, I don’t have any desires, and I don’t have any cares. It’s as if I’m nothing. I can’t remember anything, and I can hardly even remember my life, and what it is to feel anything towards anyone or anything. I’ve hurt most the people that I was closest to before all this and everything is all messed up. I don’t know what to do, I’ve lost my relationship with Christ, and I don’t ever feel his presence or hear His voice. In fact I don’t hear any voices now. There’s not even a fight going on with me. It’s like I’m just a body. I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten prayer and my family has done just about everything we know to do.

Oh and after everything got dark, everytime I would sing, it was like it was going to the Devil. Like all my “praise” was going to the devil. I didn’t like this but it just happened. It’s like I was being forced into doing this. I can’t really explain the rest and this is long enough as it is, but I was just wondering if anyone might have an idea what has happened to me or what I can do or if there are any stories of anyone else that has experienced something similar.

I’ve never dealt with anything even similar to this in my life before the time I was disobedient to God.

Thanks very much
Listen to me, kid. You are in an age range in which your private thoughts and concerns can be over-whelming. You worry about what to think, whether to speak or not to speak, that what you say sounds stupid, you worry that you night have offended some-one, all sorts of thoughts like that. It is a stressful time of life.

And that’s true even if your faith is not part of the mix. When it IS part of the mix, then things are even more complicated as in your case - worrying if you sinned, offended God, etc. Forget about committing the “unpardonable sin” - if we don’t know what it is, how can we commit it?

O.K. It says, “Be perfect as God is Perfect.” Well - that’s actually impossible (but we can try). Only God is Perfect - and NO-ONE is so arrogant as to think he can make himself equal to God. EXCEPT: Satan. Satan believes he is equal to God. I’m sure you don’t want to be like Satan - so stop worrying about being Perfect.

God designed us from the ground up. He knows EXACTLY what stresses we face as human beings. He knows in what areas we are weak - and we are weak in every area when compared to God..

You see, the deal is that God is going to deal with Satan and his gang one of these days - and we humans are caught in the middle. God knows that and He knows where-as Satan & Co. KNOW what they’re doing, most of the time we do NOT.

For that reason, we are forgivable where-as Satan & the rebel angels are NOT. And as it gets closer to that time when God will be dealing with them, they are becoming more active and influential on earth.

Do not worry about this but simply accept that God has everything well in hand. Our worrying about it will not change it one iota.

God knows that we are weal and He is strong. He knows the desires of the flesh can be enough to over-whelm us - be it hunger, be it anger, be it whatever. Knowing all these things, God makes allowances for us.

He has sent His Sin to die on our account that through Him we may have Eternal Life. And as it says somewhere, If we ask Him for forgiveness, He is FAITHFUL to forgive us. God is not a man that He should lie, so just accept that. If you think you’ve messed up, simply ask Him to forgive you and accept that He has done so - and forget about it.

How’s the song go? “Just as I am, Lord…” Whatever your concerns may be, ask the Lord to take them upon Himself. After all, He said, “My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (little paraphrase there)

There is not one thing you can do for the Lord but ask Him to be the Lord of your life - because He has said that our righteousness is to Him no more than filthy rags.

Nor every whim you get will be from God. Neither will every whim be from some evil spirit. But most whims we get are reflections of our wants and fears.

We are to “test the spirits” which one would think include questioning our own thoughts and motives. We all do this daily - it’s not anything to be overly concerned about.

So, what-so-ever things are good, what-so-ever things are beautiful, think on these things (adapted from Philippians 4.8).

Hi Sye! I have some very good news for you. You are not possessed, not hearing the devil, not disobeying God. In fact, the purity of your desire for Him is very rare. He sees it, and He will deliver you from this struggle. God gave me an experience in Bible college I believe He wants you to hear, because it's almost identical to yours.

I was about 40 years old when I met a Chinese exchange student, Lydia, who was in her early 20's. She and her mother, a missionary and doctor, were attending the college. She was going through a terrible time, where she would be ecstatic for a few days, and then suffer terrible down times. I knew from conversations and prayer with her that she was a very sincere follower of Jesus. Because this was a hyper-pentecostal Bible College, everyone, including her, believed she was possessed...well...everyone but me. Now, I believe in the whole Bible, so I know demons and evil exist for the purpose of confusing and trying to separate us from God. I had been tempted by them myself and took part in praying for them to be bound and cast away from those being tormented. I didn't get any sense that this was what was happening to her...just as I believe with you. Because I believe in the whole Bible, I also knew Christ, in her, and in you, is stronger than any demon. Finally, I believe when a sincere Christian asks Jesus to cast a demon out, the demon comes out...period. Those at the school, because of their Pentecostal background, were seeing events they did not understand in the only frame of reference that made sense. I wasn't so sure it was a demon.

When all their best efforts and mine were exhausted, they concluded she was disobedient to God, and that was why the "demon" would not come out. It sounds like some, including you, are thinking this way about yourself. Stop it! You would not be here, seeking help. You would not be seeking God so strongly in the midst of this confusion if it were not that your love for Him is deep. I believe God led you here to hear this very story, because what God did in our lives was truly amazing.

Lydia, because of her struggles, was asked to leave the home she was in. God told me to invite her and her mother to live with my wife and I until things got straightened out. My wife accepted this suggestion and we went to pick them up. Lydia had a huge fit in the middle of the street, requiring me to pick her up and force her into our car. It's a wonder I wasn't arrested. Over the next few days, she told me "her" Holy Spirit would do anything she said, and she is praying me out of Heaven. Then she became very down, crying all the time and asking me to lay hands on her and pray for the demon to go away. What you describe about your experience is almost identical to what she related to me over hours of conversation...even down to the boy in her life and the Pentecostal context. Her condition continued to worsen despite our best efforts, and those of her mother and the church.

One day, she became so manic, she threatened me with a knife (funny how she picked the sharpest one in my chef set). Peace came over me and the Lord gave me words that convinced her to give up the knife. At that point, the only alternative left us was to take her to the County psychiatric hospital to see if there was a mental illness. We learned that mental illness wasn't just misunderstood mis-behavior, but an actual physical illness of the brain or of the blood supply to the brain. It's like, say, diabetes, which caused me to act and think abnormally and think I was being attacked by demons, but it was just low blood sugar. Well, after the Psychiatrist talked to us and Lydia, she agreed to go in for observation and testing over 3 days. They discovered she had lower than normal blood levels of a mineral called Lithium. Once they got the medicines balanced, she went back to being the polite, obedient, beautiful servant of God she had been most of her life.

Many at the school convinced her to stop her medicine and just believe in God's healing power, which caused her mental illness (bipolar affective disorder) to return. We got her back on her medicine and she and her mother moved to another home, because we had done what God wanted of us. She graduated college the same year I did and returned to China. Over the next several years, God did heal her, she weaned herself off her medicines. Her mother and her manic-depression had convinced her the boy was not the one for her. After God had healed her, she married him and had a little girl of her own, which was the last I heard from her. I can't begin to express the series of miracles we went through over the course of just a few months. God used this to change every life involved and build my faith in Him to where it can't be shaken. I believe you're on the verge of just such a miraculous journey. The first miracle along that path is God bringing you to the one website out of millions where someone could relate this story.

He did this because of His great love for you and your great love for Him. I believe He has a powerful ministry for you once you get past this confusion. Don't go to a regular doctor or a's too easy for them to confuse the symptoms with religion, especially if they don't understand Spiritual things. Go to a psychiatrist...a medical doctor who specializes in diseases affecting the brain. These diseases can be treated and the confusion eliminated. Yes, God can heal you! Sometimes He chooses to use a doctor!

Once the confusion is gone, continue as you did in the past, to seek God. It may be it was him all along telling you to think of this young man. Until the confusion is gone, how will you know? Whether God chooses this man for you or changes your desire to another, God promises, " Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps 37:4
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