Thanks for reading my post, I really need your well thought out, Holy Spirit-guided opinions for my situation.

Some background information: My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years and 8 months. We met in college and we are each other's first relationship. I'm a little older than he is. Now we are both working in different fields. We started talking about marriage about a year ago. I'd say that he's mature and stable overall (when dealing with circumstance and making important decisions).

The idea of marriage is not a new topic for the future of our relationship, but since he is younger, I think he has some struggle with it. When I met with him recently, I noticed that he was acting a little different towards me - kind of ignoring me. So I thought I did something that offended him, but when I asked him first he said it was nothing. But that went on for the whole night and it was bothering me tremendously so I said I want to talk with him about what's bothering him.

Basically we have come to a point where the relationship should move on to the next place - marriage, but he is second guessing about us getting married. After he expands about it, he told me that he does not have peace about it - that he is not at his happiest in this relationship, he doesn't want to make a decision that he'll regret later. Sounds familiar with previous times he said those, so I thought I did or did not do something to make him think that way. He told me that there's not much that I can do to change the circumstance because it's not that I did something wrong or unreasonable - but he doesn't know if we should enter marriage (the right people to). He said that he doesn't want to ignore that part the makes him second guess our future, he wants to acknowledge it because it exists. He also mentioned that he's only 23, that he has many things he could be doing, that maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, that he feels tied down (for the concept of marriage).

He thinks that, we might not be as compatible as we thought we were, our personalities are different, that we don't have a whole lot of common interest, that he's become a different person since college. I admit that we might not be the most compatible people, but I just think if we're willing enough, then it will work somehow. So I asked the same questions that I concern every time: does he still love me, care about me and care about the relationship. And this time he said he's not sure. He said he for sure cares about me, as friends would do, but he's not sure if he cares about our relationship - if it's meaningful to him. He thinks that he needs some time to figure this out -reassess.

By the way, this is all heart breaking for me to learn all this. He even said this has nothing to do with me or what I did; it's something he's going through, himself. He suggested taking a break from the relationship. We've taken breaks before, like 1 to 2 weeks breaks, and we would reconcile. But when I asked how long this time, he said he doesn't want to put a time limit to it. It was so hard for me to just talk with him about this (I had many crying spells because I'm so devastated since this happened) but I managed to tell him that I don't think it's a good idea to not have a time limit. So after we negotiated, we agreed that during a break of 2 months, we will just be friends. We will still talk to each other, maybe not as often, but just as friends. We will revisit our relationship status after 2 months (or shorter or longer, as soon as he finds out). I have some concerns:

1. When a relationship comes to a bump like this, is it a good idea to "take a break?"
2. If so, how long should this break be? Or, how long is too long? What should the interaction level be during this "break?" How to make this work?
3. Is it a good idea to "take a break" yet still talk to each other, but as friends? (I personally find it very difficult to adjust, but I will give it a try. If it doesn't work, then I'll tell him that I can't just be friends with him during this time and just not gonna talk to him till he comes up with a decision for our relationship.)
4. It seems like he's not sure if I'm the one to marry or the timing is not right. What is you take on this? Can love take a break? How would people find out during a break like this whether this person is the one for marriage?
5. What consists of compatibility anyway?

Personally, I have to admit that I may not be at my happiest all the time. There are things that he could done better to make me feel more cared for and loved. We just have very different love languages. But I'm looking at this as the glass is half full or 3/4 full instead of the other way around. I am aware of the other half or 1/4 that may have given my second guesses about him being the person to marry. But I accept him the way he is, and I love him. Am I fooling myself on this? I think some of the 1/4 could change (such as interest, personality, & love language). But at the same time, I don't know if that 1/4 or half could be changed, it could be that this is how that person is and you can't change it . Though I would really love to have the other 1/4 to make it a full cup (so i'm at my happiest) but I'm willing to accept it the way it is.

I think about "if he could be this and that then I can be happier" sometimes. Do you think this is unrealistic to ask of someone? Is there such thing as "something that this person just can't change" even given the circumstance of this person is open and willing to change? What are some things that you just can't change, besides the obvious (sex, race, etc.)?

Sorry I know I have many questions; I appreciate you reading all the way through. Please help!

Dear Dancerinred,
I am going to give you the serious reality check you need. When someone says they don't want to marry you it means this person does not consider you as worthy of a long term investment. When someone says they "need a break" they really don't want to be with you but will continue to come back and use you until they find someone they are more interested in. Want to see how much this fellow cares about you. Tell him you and he can no longer have physical relations. You may find breaking up devastating, but is marrying someone who doesn't love you or allowing yourself to be used a good alternative? If you want to love someone, how about loving yourself first. Take some time off dating, let yourself heal. Trust in god that there is a better partner for you. I will pray for you.

I think it's probably normal for him to feel the way he does, but I don't think 'breaks' work. I don't think time always helps you figure out things like that.

My sister and her now husband dated since they were teenagers, and they broke up after 3 years. He did the whole 'I'm not sure, so I'm going to think about it, and take a break'- thing too. She was devastated, got right back on the phone with him and said "I'm not willing to take a break, so it's over, unless you're 100% in." He was shocked, and they broke up. A few months of being 100% broken up, gave him time to think, and they are now married.

A couple friends of mine dated all through college. After, he wasn't so sure about marriage, and they 'took a break for 6 months to see how they felt'. Basically they were still dating though, but he wouldn't call her his girlfriend. They broke up, she was devastaed, even though she knew forever that he wasn't committing, she still let him be in the relationship non-committed. She was heart-broken, but I was so relieved to hear they were through, because it was horrible for both of them.

Now my situation-
I was 23 when I got married, my husband 28. We've had a rocky 2 years (if you read my posting "Loveless marriage OK?") When we were engaged, I kept bringing up doubts, and wasn't sure at all about marrying him. He kept blowing it off, and kept giving me chances. Looking back I should ave been strong enough to say NO, I won't do this half-way, even though you're letting me. It was too hard for him to let me go, so I think he kept holding out and giving me time and hoped I would be 100% eventually. Also he didn't really understand where I was at, even though I tried explaining. He does know now, and it's been horrible the last couple years, off and on.

So I'm still in the same place. Knowing I should commit 100%, but I'm not, and I don't even want to still. I'm going to counseling soon.

Basically, heartbreak sucks, but true love is 100% commitment. If he's not, you will never be happy. Be 100% in or out. If he wants a 'break' tell him you won't settle for that, and you want a clean 100% break. If he can't handle it, then he'll have to determine if he wants to be fully committed.

Thank you so much for your replies!

May,
Reading your post, I feel like maybe I'm more like your husband and my boyfriend seems to be more in your situation. I admire your courage!

It's been almost a month since this happened, and I have some new perspectives on this. We actually haven't talked ever since. A week since that happened, I noticed that he took out all the pictures that we took together on a shared online community - as if he doesn't want anything to do with me. I was even more devastated, because I think for a guy to do such thing, it is over - as least that's what it seems like to me. I'm furious for him to make such "declaration" in such an impersonal way... I can't believe this is what he did after our journey together for almost 4 years - it is very disappointing. I guess I realized that I've been putting hope on our relationship and it's not unfailing. I just came to realize that the only hope, strength and unfailing love I can get is from God, something that I missed for the past 1.5 years since I graduated from college. Maybe I was too dependent and I only looked to our relationship, plus I think maybe he's really struggling something inside of him - he probably doesn't even know what he wants now (even though we were really in love and committed for the first 1.5 years in our relationship).

May, I can say that I feel the same thing as your husband did in his journal - I feel betrayed (because he said he cares about me a lot). But I thank God for lifting me up during this time. I understand the struggles that he may be going through - he's only 23, he's not ready to commit, he's not sure if he's willing to try and work it out, we were in a long distance relationship since he graduated. I just hope and pray that he will seek help from trusted Christians (he refused to seek console when I asked him before). I think this time is much needed for him to figure out what he really wants (really really hoping that he is seeking God) and for me to come back before God and place Him first in my life. Even though this is still painful, I think God has a purpose in this. I don't even know if he will contact me after the 2 months since he did what he did on the online community, but I'm just learning to let go, to forgive, day by day, little by little. But I won't let this go carried away so casually, since we started with sincere prayers and seeking God about this, we should do the same thing if he is second guessing (& clean cut, if he's not ready to commit). And it won't matter who that person will be in my future, him or not, God will have a great plan for me (It truly takes God's supernatural strength for me to say this, I would not have been able to said that just 3 weeks ago). I have to thank God for this hope and faith He's given to me - though sometimes I feel like my faith is SO THIN as if it's gonna break. I just have to trust God, my only hope, my only thing that I can cling on now. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, indeed.