Hello,

I'm 39 and I've been married for 14 years. I have 3 children, ages 6, 4 and 18 months. For all these years of marriage I've been hoping, praying, asking, begging, screaming, crying and pleading for my husband to be more emotionally connected to me. He's very controlling and sometimes verbally abusive. The problem is that it happens in phases. He can be the most sweet, funny and caring husband and father at times and then he's mad and withdrawn again. I've lived on an emotional roller coaster for all these years now and I want to get off.

I look back over my life and I have deep wounds of hurt from him. He wasn't there for me during the most difficult times in my life. For all three of my births, he wasn't there for me emotionally or physically. When I'm sick or stressed he says it's my problem. If he hurts me and I tell him he doesn't apologize or he acts like I'm over reacting. I've read many books about emotional and verbal abuse and know for sure that I'm in an abusive relationship. Overall he's good with the kids but can be a bit demanding and harsh at times. He's never been physically abusive with me or the kids.

He has made me feel so low. He does it very subtley and over time I don't even know whats happening. He's says disparraging remarks about my family, my friends, my career choice, my parenting skills, and my faith. He has tight control over the money and I just recently demanded that we devide our savings because I was sick of him keeping track of every cent I spent.

Oh gosh there is so much to tell but overall I think that for all of these years I've been trying to numb the pain and make excuses for my feelings. I take anti-depressants for my pmdd, I drink and smoke weed too from time to time. I used to be so close to the Lord. Over the years I've been through many rough spots but I see that God has been there all along. I want to come back and get close to God again. I want to be healed of this deep pain so that I don't need to numb it anymore. And I need to know if I should stay in the marriage or leave.

We've been to counseling, I even went alone at one point and the counselor confirmed that he's abusive. My husband says that he won't change and that if I need emotional closeness then I need to find it elsewhere. He says he's just not capable of being emotionally close to me. I ask for what I want and things often get better for awhile but they always go back to me feeling horrible and sad. He says all he wants from me is to not complain and to have frequent sex with him. If I do have sex with him he's really nice to me and I feel like I'm being trained.

I've taken the first steps now. I'm going to develop my relationship with God again and I've decided to quit the alcohol and weed. I have to think clearly and stop numbing myself. I've got to face the truth about what's really happening in my marriage. It is going to be very painful I believe but I'm hoping that once I finally see the truth - the truth will set me free.

Thanks in advance.

Please pray for me and give me any advice you may have.

I'm so glad I found this site.

I wish I had the capability to help via advice, but this sort is truly beyond me and more fit for those who are wed to help. I will pray for you though. I'm so happy that you have been so productive to try and make it work. You have fought for change. And it may not be time to give up yet. I truly hope things end up OK. Don't lose hope. I will be praying.

Dear Sister,

I commend you for taking the necessary steps to improve your relationship with the Lord and also take care of yourself physically and mentally. I want you to know that despite your current marital situation, the Lord is still in the business of healing marriages and if you let him, he will do the same for you.

14 years is a really long time and it will be really sad to throw those years away but at the same time, your sanity and your children are also very important. No one here can tell you to leave or stay in the marriage, it is only God himself through the power of his Holy Spirit that can turn you in the right direction.

And so, I admonish you to continue to draw closer to the Lord studying & meditating on his word, spending time in prayer & worship and also attending a bible centered, spirit filled assembly receiving one on one counseling and I assure you, if you can do these things, you will surely feel his presence and hear him speak to you concerning your situation and life in general.

Take care of yourself and leave your husband and marriage to the Lord.. It is well with you in Jesus name.

Shalom,

Your struggle sounds very much like my own, and Taykems is right when he/she says that no one can tell you whether to go or stay. Even in all your confusion you probably already know that, although I'm sure you wish someone could because it would be so much easier.

What I can tell you is what was told to me when I sought Godly counsel from one who does not condone divorce: "It does not sound like you're in a marriage at all." That was an eye opener for me, although I chose not to leave the marriage at that time.

As for the weed and alcohol, I have no doubt you have the best of intentions but you'll probably need help to give it up ... especially if you decide to stay.

And I will pray for you.

In Christ,
kbarron

"He came to pay a debt He didn't owe, because we owed a debt we couldn't pay."

I have a book recommendation for you...it's "Divorce and Remarriage in the Church" by David Instone-Brewer... The London school of theology uses it for their divorce/marriage theology class. See if reading this will help you. It helped me. Lots of scriptural backup in there. It's hard to give advice on a forum not knowing all the story - but YOU know the story...so see if this book helps you find the answer. I do think abuse is a reason to leave but you have to first work on YOU and see if your reactions to the situation can change...and if that helps. YOU are in control of YOU...he can't "make you feel bad" (I'm a therapist and I'm divorced...so I know what I am talking about)...however, his actions can make your life much harder and can clearly show you, as you say, that he's not connected. Some men just don't. "Emotional connectivity" (or, lack thereof) may not be a means for divorce...you have children...if he's providing for you and not hurting you/depriving you of food and housing and things, then you don't HAVE to have the emotional state...because you'd not have any of it single...know what I mean? At least with him you have some support...but - on the other hand - Men are commanded to love their wives...wives are commanded to respect their husbands. There's a reason for this that I think you can figure out quite easily. Don't have to tell a woman to love their husband...but we do need to learn how to RESPECT properly... We demand love not only when we are loveable - but at all times...yet we give respect ONLY when we see what we want to...not quite right, huh? Anyway, I won't get into all that...just read the book and see if it helps...that's my suggestion. Blessings... H

Dear Lori.

I am new to this site. I have been a Christian for all of my adult life. I am in the exact situation that you are in.
Only difference is I a man and have children 10, 12 and 16.
I have been married for 17 years. I have been to about 8 different councilors ( Christian and otherwise ) with my wife.

I thought I was crazy. I searched for any answer as to why I couldn't make her happy. Couldn't solve arguments rationally.

Then I found out what it is that is causing the situation. It was confirmend by our last councilor - after she refused to go back. I emailed him with a document. Told him that this is what I thought I was dealing with. He agreed but in his email stated that due to Dr. Patient integrity could not stand behind his email and asked me to delete it after reading. He just wanted me to have closer as to what I was up against.

The condition is, for some reason, not well known. However I expect many people are dealing with people who have it.

This document is the right stuff by steven phillipson. You can google it and read it.

The dissorder is OCPD not OCD. I can almost guarantee it is what you are dealing with.

My wife has recently told me that if she had to do it all over again she wouldn't. She also has told me that she regrets marrying me. She uses blackmail to get me to agree to things. She accuses me of having adult ADHD and wants me on meds. But I have already been with her to a specialest who ruled this out with me.
I too am on the rollercoaster and want off.
I pray for change and I pray for answers. Its been a long fight and all I see is fighting in the furture.

Do I end it. I have not recieved a firm answer but I have to find one.

I hope this helps and gives you insight, hope, strength, and courage in whatever your decision.

In Christ,
Kanuk