Deliverance, please help Options

[Godsdaughter]

i pray the Holy Spirit is here in this moment and that this mesage is placed into the hearts of those with open eyes and open hearts for we are all seeking guidance and encouragement here, in JESUS HOLY NAME, amen
my husband and i are really struggling. right away when we were first married it became apparent that my husband was going to give his time and energy to his family. that's fine and i can appreciate that. it should be a beautiful thing to witness and be a part of but instead i am resentful and jealous of his relationshipd with his family. it's just that we've never come into our own life together. that being so, i feel very rejected and unimportant. my voice is never really heard and we never had that time to bond. he doesn't want children and God gave me a powerful dream that we would have a girl. God also gave me a dream that we would witness the end of times together also. early in our relationship i found JESUS as my Savior. i was very nervous about this because i had never known Jesus before this and i felt very insecure in sharing what i was experiencing having come to Him so late in life. my husband and i didnt know each other that well before we married we just knew that we were soul mates. i'm 28. i only want to be what God wants me to be but i am distracted by whether or not my husband finds favor in me. when i have hurt him by complaining about our situation he holds a long period of silence but only to me. i wish i never said a thing but then how will he know who i am and what i like? i also have no one else to confide in. early in our relationship while he ignored me i reached out to a friend. a male friend. it was a friend i trusted enough to talk about God. he is a christian and felt comfortable talking to him. it was kind of like practice before i'd say what i needed to my husband. we only talked about God. one night my husband asked me who i was talking to and i lied. i didnt tell him that i was talking to my friend. he has never trusted me since then and i feel doomed. an incredible sense of doom. he laughs and helps others and ignores me. it is so very shameful and embarassing. i have grown to resent other female relationships he has in his family. so much that i can't even be around them in peace and be myself. they speak like they are his wife and i feel left out. how can you truly love otheres if you hate your own wife? i was insecure from the time i was a little girl with my own father who was never there and did abandon us. i just want to be my husband's #1 helper. the more he pushes me away the lower my self esteem is. i'm afraid that i will run to addictions or another man. i know that i am a sinner, that Jesus died for our sins and that He is coming back. that is why i want peace with my husband. i want to love him like the church loves Christ. i know i must trust God and that He will deliver me from this evil. i don't want to lose my marriage in the process. how do i go on and make healthy choices when the man i married hates me or doesn't trust me? he goes for days without speaking to me or looking at me and it hurts me deeply to my soul. i want to be a better person and so i know i have to put God first. i am still very lonely and missing my husband smile and touch very much. it's as if he is posessed when this happens. he says such mean things and threatens to leave. i am living in hell. i wind up crying and blocking the door. it would be perfect if i never said a word and always did what he wanted. is that what God means by respecting your husband? even when you know it's wrong in your heart? i wish God would change my heart because we are really suffering. i need to give my life to something and i don't know what to do since we haven't settled anywhere. i feel the more this happens the more the enemy is consuming me. i know Jesus overcame evil and rose from the grave. my mind and emotions and heart are so hurt that it's seems i must be so bad or evil for the illusion of such hell to be present. Please pray for my marriage and our deliverance and increase in faith. thank you for listening. i know that what i did was wrong. lying is never an option and it hasn't happened since then. i know that nagging him is wrong but we don't talk regularly because he's concerned about another part of his family now. it's always him and his family never us and our new family of 2. what should i do? i am currently seeking counseling for my self esteem, more employment, church on my own, time with God each day, physical exercise and prayer. if your heart is burdened please share. God bless you and thank you for loving one another.