Hi Shelah! I'm very sorry all this has happened to you. I can see you're in a very painful place, right now. You seem to be, as you say, stuck! You may be surprised to know that I, and everyone I know, has been there...stuck. We all got there in different ways, but we were there...right where you are. No direction or action seems enough. The weight of our problems and emotions overwhelming. I've been there so many times I actually get excited for the people who find themselves there and ask for help. I'm excited for you and optimistic for your future...that's a fact. Let me tell you why I think you're in the most powerful moment of your life. 1. You know where you've been and don't want to go back. I'm speaking in terms of abuse, drugs/alcohol and career you're not interested in. Many people spend their lives going back, looking back, wanting either to correct or revel in some aspect of their past. 2. You know where you are. Most people are in complete denial about where they are, hiding their dissatisfaction by acquiring the latest gadget or fad to show everyone how "together" they are. As long as they remain in denial, they will live in silent desperation over a life they hate but can't admit hating. I'm not sure you know just how much power you have because you admit your life isn't what you want it to be. You may even envy those others but you are the one to be envied because you've taken the first step toward the life you want...the one God designed you to have. Someone smarter than me said:
"All progress begins with dissatisfaction."
3. You know where you want to go. You even put it in your post. When Marsha (my wife of 20 years) and I were dating, we each made a list of changes we would like to see in each other. I thought she should speak up more...you know, communicate. She thought I should quit drinking, smoking, exercise, lose weight, listen more. We both agreed we would try, put the list away, and promptly forgot all about it. About 5 years later, we found the list while cleaning and we discovered something amazing. Everything on that list had been accomplished without our ever referring to the list again. You've listed your goals. That, all by itself, requires faith that I feel is very rare.
I'm excited for you, Shelah! God will help you with every goal on that list...I know this from experience. All you have to do is begin taking tiny steps toward your goals and believe God will make the big ones happen. I know it's frightening to start in a new direction. That fear is the biggest thing that's got you stuck. Don't worry about the big picture or how things could fail. Pick easy things you know you can do to get closer to your goals...celebrate when you take a step. You will have setbacks, but God would not have given you those dreams if He were not going to help you achieve them. Just get up and go again, gradually closer, gradually bigger steps, knowing God will do His part. We'll be praying for you. Please keep us posted on what you're doing and how God is working in it.
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Love & Hugs, Glen
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