Angry And Resentful Options

[Guest_Sarahbadera_*]

Hi, my name is Sarah. I am a Christian, but I'm not feeling like one right now. My husband, Nate, and I are experiencing major financial problems, and I am feeling resentful toward him, that he has put us in this situation. I have been crying all day, and have pretty much flipped out at him, while he is lying in bed with the flu. I've just had it, and I know that the devil is truly smiling right now!

It all began when I went out to snow blow our driveway after a foot of snow fell overnight. But oops, the snow blower doesn't work because Nate never fixed it from the last time it snowed. He has a bad back, and is sick, so he can't help me shovel. I called my neighbor, and he plowed it out for me (bless his heart) and I scrambled to get myself and the kids ready for church. We just made it! But we got there, and church was canceled today. That was a wasted trip. I went to the grocery store to get a few things that we truly needed. It totalled up to $15. I tried 2 credit cards, and each were declined. I paid with money from our checking, and I know we won't have enough to cover our bills. I was really embarrassed. I felt horrible and so frustrated and angry that I can hardly buy MILK! And here we live with my Dad RENT FREE!! This is ridiculous. I cried on the way home, and have been crying off and on for hours. I went downstairs and he asked me what was wrong. I let him have it. I said "I am P**S*D! I tried to buy groceries but 2 cards were declined. I am sick of this! You are getting a full time job! The only time you work HARD is when you're working for someone else! You've putzed around for 2 years and I've had it!". I was really mad, and he didn't say too much. I wouldn't be surprised if HE cried when I left. I'm not proud of it. I just lost it.

Here's a little background: We've been happily married for 9 years, and have 3 great kids. We live with my 74-year-old Dad. He lived in a 6000 sq ft. home all alone. When we got married, he asked if we would like to move in with him. Our original plan was to stay here for 5 years. However, it has worked out well, and here we still are. My children LOVE spending time with Grandpa, and I know he would be very lonely if we left. The downside is, I think it has given my husband an excuse not to work very hard. Or, as hard as he should. I'm a traditional gal, and I feel that it is his responsibility to support the family financially, and I take care of the home. However, I think that he should do some work around the home, and it is reasonable for me to earn some extra income for the family. I have no problem with that. Since we were married, I have had a part-time job 80% of the time. I even drove a school bus last year AND babysat to earn money to help us through. The poor little girl had to ride the bus with me every day! : ( I'm definitely willing to work if it's needed, but Nate does not lift a finger to help me around the house, or with the kids, unless I ask him. I've sat down with him a few times and told him that I honestly need his help around the house, because I can't do it all alone. His solution? He made me a chore chart on the computer, so I could start putting the kids to work and organize my responsibilities! I think that is part of the solution, but I need his help too! I need him to help me with the laundry. He has agreed on several occasions, but has never followed through. Not once.

Financially, let me fill you in. Nate made $1500 last year. Yup. That's it. He got an AWESOME opportunity to be a financial advisor in August of 2005, but he didn't like it, and quit in January 2006. That's where he made his $1500 for 2006. Then he and a partner tried to start up a business installing wireless internet. They tried to make it work, but they couldn't. (I'll spare you the details) He put about $15,000 into that business, and now it's all lost. During 2006, he acquired over $3000 debt to the chiropractor and dentist. And, he comes down with illnesses every 4-6 weeks, which is rough. I should feel bad for him, but I am just resentful toward him that he gets sick all of the time, and doesn't take care of himself, or do anything to build up his immune system. Now we find ourselves with only my babysitting income, which isn't much. He's been pulling in a bit of money here and there doing web design, computer consulting, etc. But, we don't know WHERE the next dollar will come from. I've always had the gift of faith, that it will work out, but I am having a seriously bad day. I've hit a wall.

My Dad had open heart surgery last month, and I've been taking care of him, doing daycare (just for one little baby boy...total sweetie), doing everything around the house. I'm pretty sure I've got mild depression, but I can't go to the doctor. We'll have to pay out of pocket, and obviously we can't. I'm stressed out. It's a catch 22.

I'm frustrated that we get everything handed to us (which I am grateful for), but we are STILL sinking in debt. We live in a home for free. No gas or electricity payments, or anything for 9 years! We have put NO money away, and have huge debt. My Dad gave us a HUGE chunk of money to help us out this fall while we fixed up a house we were trying to sell (long story) and I can't pay him back. He's not asking for it, but he doesn't make much money, and he had saved that up for a long time. A few years ago, we were having trouble with our mini van, and as always, struggling financially, so he gave us $16,000 to buy a new van! We have been GIVEN so much! Like I said, I am grateful for it, but we should be able to take care of ourselves! We should have a SURPLUS! I am just so sick of this, and angry with Nate for not taking care of his family like he should! He is a talented, brilliant man. We shouldn't be in this situation.

Normally, I am very supportive of him. I know I am supposed to build him up, not tear him down! But, the devil is getting the best of me right now. I hate the situation we are in! I love him. He's my best friend. But, I have absolutely had it.

We've put OURSELVES into this mess and we need to get ourselves out of it. No more running to Daddy when we can't pay our bills. I feel I'm doing MY part, and I've DONE my part for 9 years. However, I feel that he hasn't. Good ideas and good intentions don't pay bills. He has plenty of both, but the reality speaks for itself.

I know my ranting is not Godly, and will not help our situation. I know I should humbly apologize to him, and pray for God to help us out of this mess, but I can't yet. I am SO angry and resentful. I know that's wrong, but that's how I feel.

I just needed to vent. If you have advice, I'll gladly take it.

[Glen]

Hi Sara! I don't know what to advise. It's very important that your husband contribute to the family income even if he has to overcome some pain or to work for someone else to get there. To work independently takes more discipline than most people have. You'd be amazed how many excuses I come up with to keep from doing my work. The bottom line is, I have a certain number of things I schedule and get done every week...no excuses.
The other side of it that makes it difficult for me to advise is the fact that your husband has to discipline himself. You don't want someone you have to light a fire under to make him move, so, doing so will only make things worse. It may be better to ask for his help, letting him know you need him to, temporarily, get a job until his business makes a full-time income. Constantly remind him how important he is to your family and how you know he can do it. Let him know you don't feel you can support him for the 5 years it will take (average) to build his business into a profitable concern. More than that, just pray, pray, pray. Let God light the fire under him.
It wouldn't hurt for you to take on more financial responsibility...maybe more day care kids. There are two reasons...1. If you're too busy supporting him to pay much attention to him, he may get motivated. 2. If he doesn't get motivated, at some point, the relationship will end and you'll need a way to make money.
We'll be praying!

[Guest_Sarahbadera_*]

You're right, and I thank you for your insight. At this point, I don't feel I can take on more daycare children, and be a good daycare provider. I know my limits. I've done daycare, etc. on and off for 12 years now (I'm 30) and I have little patience anymore for kids that are not my own! However, I could look into something else full time, and say goodbye to the little guy I have now, as difficult as that might be. That might be an option. The human side of me is screaming, "NO! I should NOT have to do that!" . But, I have to face reality and suck it up, once AGAIN, as unfair as that might feel to me. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

That was good insight on working independently. Nate has to come to terms with the fact that he is not cut out for that. Hopefully, he will make new decisions based on that fact.

As far as me earning income in case our relationship ends...I know what you're saying. You're just being realistic based on "the world", and what seems so normal, but I don't want to go there. I want to hold our relationship to a higher standard than "the world". Nothing is impossible for God. Including lighting a fire under his "you know what". Pray it will be done! Other than this one issue, we truly have a great relationship.

Again, I thank you for your counsel. I feel so much better knowing there are people out there like you, who are praying for me. God bless you.

Sarah

[Glen]

Yea, if additional child care isn't an option, I agree that you should get a full-time job and I agree you shouldn't have to. Seems to me taking care of Dad and the house is already a full time job. Having you gone all the time might be the fire God will use. It might also be a good time to find out if Nate will cook and do housework if you're busy at work and caring for Dad. I do the shopping, cooking and all home and yard maintenance in addition to my 60 hours per week on the computer. But, house cleaning and laundry, alone, would get me out the door looking for a job.
I think you know I wasn't suggesting divorce...just suggesting you get an income so you're prepared for any contingency. As I can attest from my experience, even intelligent guys sometimes make stupid choices.
Incidentally, my net income last year was about $1,500. Over the course of my ministry career (15 years), when you subtract the amounts we've donated from my ministry income, my net is about zero. The main difference with us is, Marsha was in on all the decisions and chose to continue her career as her "ministry" to support mine. I keep her in touch with everything that's happening in our ministry and our finances and I frequently seek her opinion. If, at any point, she even hinted that she was the least bit frustrated over this, I would be making mochas or sweeping floors for a living, or, if it wasn't for all the people we see God helping through our ministry. We see a light at the end of the tunnel, in that, the web ministry is starting to take off and our income from that should be significant. This is good, because we've just been staying even financially over the last couple years. This is not to say we're in any way struggling. We have a new custom home on 20 acres and only a 40% mortgage for debt. That's due to our frugality and God's rich blessing. Like I said, the main difference I see is, Marsha has a say in it, so she never feels put in a corner.
Still, you getting a job might just put Nate in a corner in a very good way.