Hello everyone, my name is Kyler, I am 19 years old and live in Manitoba, Canada. It is currently new years eve and I feel very sad right now, I have alot to say so I will do my best to explain things. I am close to God and I feel Him in me all the time, I have a loving mother and brother who I currently live with at home. Over the past 4 years I have always had a very depressing feeling of lonliness deep inside me; even though I have a select few, yet very close friends in which I am very thankful for and who mean the world to me, I still feel alone. This deep desire for a woman to fall in love with is always in the back of my mind. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but on holidays, friday or saturday nights, or times when people I know are out with a significant other I feel very depressed about it and usually end up going through a deep cry before I feel better or just fall asleep. I am for the most part happy and thankful for all of the other things in my life: the friends and family that are close to me, my job of 3 and 1/2 years and my co-workers, my health and all of the possessions I have been blessed with etc. Yet, this desire for true love just doesn't stop, I listen to music for something to relate too and help get out my emotion. Whenever it feels really hopeless and I find myself in tears, I pray to God to just get me through it because I trust that He has a plan for me, whether or not that includes a woman to love I don't know but I do trust in Him with all my heart. It's just that I feel desperate at times and get so tired of desiring the same thing all the time; it's very draining, physically and emotionally as time goes on and for how sad I do get, it's probaby not good for my well being.
Whenever I do spark an interest in a girl at work or perhaps through a friend, they never seem to find an attraction to me and they usually end up living a life I disagree with, they alway's end up being bar girls or people who rely on sex and alcohol for a good time and who don't have God in their lives. This frustration of an inability to find a good hearted girl to love drives me to anger and almost hate towards the ones that are so called "bar girls or sluts" or what have you. I know that if I tried to help them get closer to God or establish even a friendship and help them to better their lives they would flee, people are scared of what they don't understand and also don't want to be helped. In my group of friends, I feel we walk close to God and that we are very different then say the other 90% of adolescence; therefore being outcasts or just simply unpopular. This isn't to say I feel bad about it, I am happy with my relationship with God and all that He has helped me with in my life, it just depresses and saddens me that we live in a world with so many ungodly people and so much sin.
Sex I believe is only for people who truely love eachother, not for the simple physical pleasures so many people use it for. I also believe it is the hardest temptation to fight. Not that woman approach me or that I am in situations where I can have sex, I have never been in that scenario, but that definately doesn't calm the desire for it. When I see people my age in relationships (most of them are) it just throws off my mood for along time, even my friends who get into relationships cause a streak of jealousy in my heart. I am ashamed of that because I want to be happy for them, yet when I feel so alone inside, it's hard to be.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I am not making any progress in my life. I work nearly full time and enjoy my spare time with friends etc, I put my money into my car and my home stereo, not into alcohol or anything like that. My dad divorced my mom and I rarely see him, our relationship is not close. I am short four credits of graduating, dropped out almost 2 years ago andwill be 20 in June. Lets just say I thought that I would be much different at this age then I am. This hurts me so much, sitting here alone and trying to explain why I can't feel good. I just don't know anymore.
Kyler.
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