Could Use Some Encouragement! Options

[Audrey]

It's been a long road for me trying to figure out what to do with my life. I took a year off after high school because I had absolutely no idea what i wanted to do with my life. During my year off I worked hard to save up as much money as I could with all intents set on going to school the upcoming year. Growing up, my parents would make sure we got to church every Sunday with either my grandma or my uncle. We always considered ourselves a christian family but we never truly put God first. Well, during my year off I grew closer to God than I ever imagined becoming. I never really put God first in life, he was always just a positive thought and a way to show others I was a good person. But during that year, I grew in ways I can't even explain! It was so wonderful and I was extremely happy! Then I decided to go to school and I really didn't put much thought or prayer into my major, it just came to me and I went with it. I thought I was going to go to school and be this huge example and spread God's word and really make a difference. Then I got there and I began to party. I started drinking at least once if not two or three times a week. It became the only thing I looked forward to. I completely shoved God to the back of my mind. Every night I would think to myself that God would punish me eventually."Eventually it will hit me and then I will stop" is what I kept saying over and over. I began letting others influence me and started putting others down. I did whatever I wanted, all the while knowing I knew better than that. I let myself go. I let my whole lifestyle go. Most importantly, I let my relationship with God go. It's only been a couple of weeks since I have decided to stop going out. I am ready to get my relationship with God back to where it belongs. I am ready to be the child God created me to be. I feel like it should be easy to come back because I know God is a forgiving God and I know he never left me through any of the days I was ignoring him and just doing what I wanted but it is really hard. I feel like such an idiot and even though I know it's not true I can't help but feel like I don't deserve to be able to come back. I knew every day, every night when I laid down, that what I was doing was wrong but I just kept doing it. I have been such an idiot all this time and I just cant't seem to feel right about praying again. I don't feel like I deserve to feel better about myself because I made these stupid decisions on my own. It also hurts to know that I allowed all the people I have been around to see me act this way. I want to change my ways but I know I am going to have to face these same people and I can't encourage them with God's love because they know that I have gone out and they know all the other things I've done so who am I to tell them not to do those things? The hardest part is that even as I am typing these words I know they are lies. I've let myself get so far away from God that I'm allowing myself to believe all the lies I have spent my whole life thinking were ridiculous. It hurts a lot and I am having a really hard time getting back on track. I could really use some prayers during this time. I'm ready to believe that I deserve to come back and I'm ready to feel as in love with God as I once did.