I'm so sorry this is happening, especially since this jerk is a "highly respected" church member. It never ceases to amaze me how some Christians can be tolerant of any behavior done by a professing Christian, but totally intolerant of others. Even if your husband is a Christian, he's not following Christ with respect to you or your son. Some Scriptures that pop into my head as I read your post: "love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her." "Love your wives as your own body." "Consider others more important than your self." "As much as it is within your power, live at peace with everyone." "Do to others what you would want them to do to you." "Three things I require of you...act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God." "I desire mercy." It's easy for a weak man to talk about how God makes him leader of the family, but if he isn't leading in the love of God, he has no business leading at all. I guess it's obvious where I'm headed with this.
Let's start with some rational stuff. If this man is so violent, he has to be pulled off of his teenage daughter and he loses control so much while beating your son that he knocks you to the floor, the one who needs punishment is your husband...not your son. This is not discipline...it's abuse! In a blended family situation, I normally side with the parents, especially the step-parent, but this isn't normal. Still, if this is the first such incident, I'd suggest one more thing before divorce.
When your son is present to witness it, and another trusted adult, as well, you need to inform your husband how things will be if there's a future for your family. 1. He is to apologize and ask for your son's forgiveness for his behavior. 2. When it comes to your son, you are the person who will discipline him...not your husband. 3. Your husband is to get counseling outside of the church for his anger control and domestic violence issues. 4. He is to authorize his counselor to report everything discussed in counseling with you. 5. If he ever lays a hand on you or your son again, or is threatening in any way, you will file formal domestic violence charges against him.
If your husband is anything but genuinely sorrowful for his behavior...if he tries to justify it in any way or argue about the 5 points above...I believe you must leave him for your safety and that of your son. The only one who isn't being obedient to Christ is your husband. In his defense, this is probably learned behavior. Still, the Biblical guidance on divorce was never meant to be used to enslave women and children to selfish and violent men. This is Christianity...not Islam. If your husband can't be mature enough to admit his own faults and seek help to correct them, he has chosen divorce...not you. His marriage vows, I'm sure, included promises other than staying away from other women.
I suspect, if your husband feels justified, you'll be separating, so, be prepared for that financially and emotionally. When you say his daughter "made him so mad" it sounds like he's a little neurotic about who controls his emotions. If that's true, make sure the adult witness you have is big enough to defend you in the event your husband loses control. If you're pretty sure his losing control would be the outcome of the above discussion, you might want to separate before discussing it and use the five points as markers for whether you ever get back together. Of course, he would have to show he could be trusted over six or more months before you got back together.
One more thing...if your church can't support you in something like this...it's definitely time to find a group of Christians to fellowship with in the love of Christ.
Well, I'm sure this advice will gain me some criticism, too...can't wait!
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Love & Hugs, Glen
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