Loveless Marriage Work Always On His Mind Options

[sarin]

Hi everyone,
I am a 30 year old lady who is married and has a daughter who is 6. I've been with my husband for 14 years and married for 3.
I've left him twice once when I was 21 and 23. I have been born again as well as my husband for 4 years. I left him twice for the same reasons. Work always entertained his thoughts and he is not a intimate person. I am very affectionate and a helpless romantic person. I've always made many attempts to initiate lovemaking or always been the one to plan dates. Years of doing this has left me feeling unattractive and not worthy. I am a fit attractive gal who has a good sense of humor and loves people. But being rejected made me feel unpretty and unwanted. When we broke up the last time he found a girlfriend right away who he was very intimate with and did stuff with constantly. I vowed to do anything to get him back because I found it so hard to be a single mother and felt so torn putting my daughter through all the pain. I vowed to God to risk being unhappy to raise my daughter but with Gods wisdom fell madly in love with my husband in all the healthy ways except the intimate part and lack of passion. I am sad and lonely and confused. Is this normal for a man to be so out of touch with his wife and what can I do? I have no one to talk to and don't know what do do anymore after all these years. P.S. I've told him gently all of this a thousand times with no response or hope. He is like a total best friend and I know thats a great start. But i know the rest is so important cause I am so lonely.

[WithAllMyHeart]

HI Sarin:

I am so sorry to hear about the pain that you are suffering,
and feeling so trapped within.
I have known other wonderful women of God that suffer
from a lack of intimacy with their spouse.
I know the central focus of one of my closest
friends who has suffered in this and that's to focus
upon God as her husband. I know this to work in my case of
feeling like I am unworthy or inadequate to men, due to the way
I've been treated and to make me conscious of the fact that I
am never alone.

Isa 54:5
your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

I also pray that God will move upon your
husbands heart in this matter, to be more passionate towards you,
so that your relationship will be one of fulfillment to the both of you,
both spiritually and physically.
In Jesus Name I pray This, and I pray a blessing over you and your family as well..

In Christ
~dani

[semi]

Speaking as a man, I have been in a similar situation in my first marriage.

Here's the problem: To be the "man" of the family, everyone expects him to be the "bread-winner" - which means he is gone for some 9 or more hours out of the day.

The demands of the job are often stressful but even if otherwise require complete concentration on what one is doing. Add to this the stress of driving to work and home again in frustrating traffic; and by the time the guy gets home, he doesn't have much left in him.

If he is pursuing a career, this is compounded because in order to excel it is frequently necessary to bring work home with him - if not in a brief-case, at least perplexing problems have his thoughts.

This is a sacrifice a man makes, all the while believing that his wife understands and is supportive, If she is not; everything begins to fall apart. And he begins to resent her for what he perceives to be her mutiny.

The issue it forces is quite simply this: shall a man have a career and support his family or shall he just throw in the towel and quit his job so he can be home and make his wife happy? You know that the answer is that this last option simply won't work.

The problem in all cases is that most people (male or female) think in terms of how they personally feel and don't really consider the matter from their partner's perspective.

Shalom.

[Glen]

Hi Sarin! It's a difficult thing, having a marriage that doesn't meet your expectations. Fortunately, for me, the Lord taught me to change my expectations early on in our marriage. Now we've been married over 21 years. It's interesting to me that being "best friends" is not enough for you, because it's the greatest part of our relationship. It's the genuine intimacy that the other intimacy can't hold a candle to. Don't get me wrong. I think that's important, just not as important as our society makes it out to be. What God taught me about the marriage relationship is the same thing I've taught many couples over the years, and I'll share with you.

Marriage is a the relationship where two people become one. The biggest way they do that is by each sacrificing themselves for the other. The key to getting our needs met is to consider the needs of our spouse more important than our own (see Philippians 2). The way Jesus got a name above all names is by giving up what He had a right to expect and sacrificing himself. What I recommend is you devote yourself to meeting his needs and becoming the best wife for who he is, not who you wish he were. Then trust God that he will bless you for your sacrifice and devotion to God's plan for marriage. It may take time, but I believe if you seriously do this without resenting him, your husband will become the person who meets your needs more than you ever imagined. That's what I believe the Bible says and that's been my experience.