Sinking Options

[pepper]

I'm glad I've found this site, things have been really crazy & I've had a lot going on. I really need a lot of help, I'm so turned around & have a lot of issues.
My background is that I came to Christ 1993, but always felt insecure in knowing if I'd really persevere in faith until I died. I truly believe I came to Christ, repented of occultic past, trusted & believed in Him - but not that I was secure in Him. I'm still confused about election & falling from grace. Very early on, I had problems in the church. People seemed very unenthusiastic, like I talked to a woman who had raised her teenage daughter in the church, and she hadn't even read through the Bible once. I'd go to youth group (though I was a little old ) desiring to talk Bible, and we'd go rollerskating or something. Looking back, I think I was pretty hard on people, like that woman. Who knows, maybe she got sufficient Bible teaching through radio or devotionals, or whatever. But at the time, the result was that I started attending a Bible study where the leader was very "on fire", and was there for over a dozen years.
Had a baby, got depressed, was looked down on, finally realized said group was very legalistic, and that somehow, all these years, I never really heard much about the love of God, just our roles and how we needed to follow Him. I have been gone from there for about a year & a half, but my faith is very much shaken. I had wholeheartedly believed a lot of the harsh legalistic garbage, that it was right and godly. Now I don't know what to believe. I've read through the entire Bible probably 6-7 times (my best guess), some books of it a lot more than that. But I still, somehow, got deceived, partly by my own heart, partly by influence of others. I don't trust others. I don't trust myself to interpret the Word correctly. I don't trust God to lead me right, because I really thought I put God first above myself, I guess I didn't. I am a spiritual mess, stopped attending our church about a month ago, feel people "care" but don't really CARE, (that's a whole other bag of bananas ) i guess that's the best I can do for now.
I've finally started considering therapy, but my husband is against it. He wants me to try talking to the pastor, but I don't know. I think I've been through enough "Christian counsel" with that Bible Study group, it was really really horrible and oppressive. I prefer to talk to people who don't know me or where I live. I need that feeling of safety, I guess.
I'm just all messed up & hope for some answers. Thanks for reading my novella.

[Jose]

Pepper

Security and trust is hard for me to feel when I am full of doubt. Trust comes to me when I have proof that what I want is going to be there when I need it. I have lost in a lot of things but don’t feel like a loser. I learned that no matter how hard things seem, even when someone I trusted in completely, and wholly, let me down, I can always turn to God.

I didn’t believe this for years and years. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could relinquish control to God. I saw my brother do that and tell me about it. I thought he was just avoiding life. I had a strong need to run the show, and make every decision, however right or wrong I may be.

It got me NOWHERE. I really hurt. I started reading the Bible deeply. I listened for answers. I prayed for answers. The answers came (eventually). Sometimes it took years. I am in a better place now. I still find myself wanting to call the shots. Guess what? I don’t call any of the big life changing shots. They are decided by Him.

Don’t get me wrong here. I work extremely hard to succeed, and meet my obligations and schedule things for myself and many others at work, and accomplish my goals at work, and at home. But I now know I am not the one in charge.

I think we need to get to a point to realize He is making the decisions. I am finding I am turning over more and more things.

As far as legalistic issues, for me it’s the principles of the 10 Commandments all the way. That’s the law He expects me to follow, and not to judge others. In turn God has been more loving to me than anyone I have ever known. He has answered my heartfelt prayers and I can’t thank Him enough. I am a sinner saved by grace. I say this to reassure you I make a lot of mistakes, and have to ask for forgiveness a lot.

I have learned He is always there, day, night, whenever. I established a personal relationship with Him. I now trust Him. I wonder how long he thought it would be before that happened, if it ever would. Maybe he always knew I would. He sacrificed his Son so that I could have that privilege. That idea overwhelms me.

This response uses the “I” word a lot to let you know what God means to me, and He can to you too. Give it another try. Give Him your trust. Find a quiet place, look for peace, trust, love

Hope something in this rambling response helps you. We will pray for you. The people in this Web-Church are caring and thoughtful, as you will see.

[semi]

Pepper -

As you have probably heard any number of times: Faith without Works is Dead.

That’s all well and good but there is too often a radical spin put on it which demands that we prove our Faith by our Works.

The next step is to specify what Works are proofs of one’s Faith. This is how a church group or pastor can exert control over the flock. It is by this means that a congregation evolves into a cult.

That’ not exactly the way ot is supposed to work. Faith comes first and when one’s Faith is strong one is impelled to do good works. What kind of Works? Whatever the Lord lays upon your spirit to do - NOT what someone else dictates you must do.

Beware of all Works-based religions - in particular those who specify what those Works must be.

Certainly we all know what sort of Works we ought not do - those are stipulated by the 10 Commandments and clarified by Jesus’ own Words.

We are all human, we all make mistakes, none of us is Perfect. Objectively we set our sights on being as good as we can be; to become ever better than we once were, and ask Forgiveness for our failures - our moments of weakness - and continue on from there.

I read more of your testimony on another Post you made here and understand the problem. Your husband is very much into the present church system which is performance-based. You are going to have a difficult time of doing what you believe is proper in your situation.

You said you ministered in your teaching capacity, etc. I am convinced you have chosen the better course. But I disagree that you are not adequate to the job of understanding Scripture. Ask the Lord by His Holy Spirit to help you in your studies and He will. Men will mislead you - not necessarily because they are evil; but simply because they have themselves been misled.

Shalom.