I'm glad I've found this site, things have been really crazy & I've had a lot going on. I really need a lot of help, I'm so turned around & have a lot of issues.
My background is that I came to Christ 1993, but always felt insecure in knowing if I'd really persevere in faith until I died. I truly believe I came to Christ, repented of occultic past, trusted & believed in Him - but not that I was secure in Him. I'm still confused about election & falling from grace. Very early on, I had problems in the church. People seemed very unenthusiastic, like I talked to a woman who had raised her teenage daughter in the church, and she hadn't even read through the Bible once. I'd go to youth group (though I was a little old
) desiring to talk Bible, and we'd go rollerskating or something. Looking back, I think I was pretty hard on people, like that woman. Who knows, maybe she got sufficient Bible teaching through radio or devotionals, or whatever. But at the time, the result was that I started attending a Bible study where the leader was very "on fire", and was there for over a dozen years.
Had a baby, got depressed, was looked down on, finally realized said group was very legalistic, and that somehow, all these years, I never really heard much about the love of God, just our roles and how we needed to follow Him. I have been gone from there for about a year & a half, but my faith is very much shaken. I had wholeheartedly believed a lot of the harsh legalistic garbage, that it was right and godly. Now I don't know what to believe. I've read through the entire Bible probably 6-7 times (my best guess), some books of it a lot more than that. But I still, somehow, got deceived, partly by my own heart, partly by influence of others. I don't trust others. I don't trust myself to interpret the Word correctly. I don't trust God to lead me right, because I really thought I put God first above myself, I guess I didn't. I am a spiritual mess, stopped attending our church about a month ago, feel people "care" but don't really CARE, (that's a whole other bag of bananas
) i guess that's the best I can do for now.
I've finally started considering therapy, but my husband is against it. He wants me to try talking to the pastor, but I don't know. I think I've been through enough "Christian counsel" with that Bible Study group, it was really really horrible and oppressive. I prefer to talk to people who don't know me or where I live. I need that feeling of safety, I guess.
I'm just all messed up & hope for some answers. Thanks for reading my novella.