Step-parenting, advice on step-parenting Options

[ubadog]

My husband and I have been married almost three years. Our previous spouses had passed away - we met in a widows/widowers group. He is 11 years older than me and his children are grown. We have my 16 year old still at home. We are constantly at odds as to how to discipline my son. I have never struck my son, except when he was little and he received the occasional spanking, but my husband was more physical in his methods. He once told me that his teenage daughter made him so angry that when he began beating her, it took five people to pull him off her. You can imagine my concern for my son.

One night things between them got pretty heated and I stepped between them to try to calm the situation down. Unfortunately, my husband went after my son and proceeded to smack him around, knocking me onto the floor in the process. It lasted about a minute or two, before it was over and my son managed to get out the front door. I ran after him to make sure he was ok. My husband got on his bike and left for about 15 minutes, but to my dismay, returned.

I have lost any respect I had for this man and am angry at myself that I have allowed him to stay, but I really don't know what to do. The other bad part about this is, he is a highly respected member of our church and ministry that apparently can do no wrong. A member I confided in suggested he merely over-reacted and in addition it was partially my fault.

I know it's awful, but I have prayed that God would remove him from my life, I don't like living in fear for my son or myself. I know God will take care of my son and I, but I know that separation or divorce is more acceptable when there is infidelity involved and there is none of that. Am I justified in wanting him to go? Or am I the one over-reacting? Am I subject to be totally subservient in all matters, including the discipline of my son?

I know this is long, and I apologize. I don't feel I have anyone to get advice, guidance or prayer from. Thanks for listening.

[Glen]

I'm so sorry this is happening, especially since this jerk is a "highly respected" church member. It never ceases to amaze me how some Christians can be tolerant of any behavior done by a professing Christian, but totally intolerant of others. Even if your husband is a Christian, he's not following Christ with respect to you or your son. Some Scriptures that pop into my head as I read your post: "love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her." "Love your wives as your own body." "Consider others more important than your self." "As much as it is within your power, live at peace with everyone." "Do to others what you would want them to do to you." "Three things I require of you...act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God." "I desire mercy." It's easy for a weak man to talk about how God makes him leader of the family, but if he isn't leading in the love of God, he has no business leading at all. I guess it's obvious where I'm headed with this.

Let's start with some rational stuff. If this man is so violent, he has to be pulled off of his teenage daughter and he loses control so much while beating your son that he knocks you to the floor, the one who needs punishment is your husband...not your son. This is not discipline...it's abuse! In a blended family situation, I normally side with the parents, especially the step-parent, but this isn't normal. Still, if this is the first such incident, I'd suggest one more thing before divorce.

When your son is present to witness it, and another trusted adult, as well, you need to inform your husband how things will be if there's a future for your family. 1. He is to apologize and ask for your son's forgiveness for his behavior. 2. When it comes to your son, you are the person who will discipline him...not your husband. 3. Your husband is to get counseling outside of the church for his anger control and domestic violence issues. 4. He is to authorize his counselor to report everything discussed in counseling with you. 5. If he ever lays a hand on you or your son again, or is threatening in any way, you will file formal domestic violence charges against him.

If your husband is anything but genuinely sorrowful for his behavior...if he tries to justify it in any way or argue about the 5 points above...I believe you must leave him for your safety and that of your son. The only one who isn't being obedient to Christ is your husband. In his defense, this is probably learned behavior. Still, the Biblical guidance on divorce was never meant to be used to enslave women and children to selfish and violent men. This is Christianity...not Islam. If your husband can't be mature enough to admit his own faults and seek help to correct them, he has chosen divorce...not you. His marriage vows, I'm sure, included promises other than staying away from other women.

I suspect, if your husband feels justified, you'll be separating, so, be prepared for that financially and emotionally. When you say his daughter "made him so mad" it sounds like he's a little neurotic about who controls his emotions. If that's true, make sure the adult witness you have is big enough to defend you in the event your husband loses control. If you're pretty sure his losing control would be the outcome of the above discussion, you might want to separate before discussing it and use the five points as markers for whether you ever get back together. Of course, he would have to show he could be trusted over six or more months before you got back together.

One more thing...if your church can't support you in something like this...it's definitely time to find a group of Christians to fellowship with in the love of Christ.

Well, I'm sure this advice will gain me some criticism, too...can't wait!

[ubadog]

Thanks Glen for your wise words. I am taking steps to prepare myself and my son for possible separation (financial as well as safety ones). It took me a while to resolve some things in my head, such as guilt for wanting to end the marriage, fear of how he'll react, etc. But, you are right about his actions being a learned behavior - his father used to beat on him and his mother for many years - not that it's an excuse, but it explains a lot.

So for now I'm getting my son and I some counseling (at a different church) so that we can cope with whatever may come and also for encouragement. I've got to say that since that night, I've been so down. During worship services I just mouth the words of the songs with not much feeling. It seems like my joy as completely vanished, especially when I'm with my husband.

I'm trying to stay focused on the Lord by prayer and reading, but my heart's not in it and I'm not really sure why. I'm enrolled in a Bible study at a different church which starts in later in June, so I'm hoping that will restore me.

Anyhow, thanks again for your advice and prayers.

God bless you.

[Glen]

You're welcome! Keep us posted on what's happening. We'll keep praying.