Linda, Your road to forgiveness starts with understanding. For understanding it is necessary to eliminate some false assumptions that you may hold and which are perpetuated by society. First of all not everyone can be a good parent or a parent at all. Society leads people to believe a parents love for a child surpasses all and this will lead them to be loving capable parents. Not everyone is capable of being a good parent. People range from great parents to those that are quite incapable. Secondly, there is the myth of happily ever after in a marriage. Marriage is a very challenging, takes great effort, requires unwavering commitment and even with both individuals best efforts may fail. Once there is a marriage failure there can be great pain of the ex-spouses. This pain is caused from the pain of loss of the spouse, loss of a family unit, loss of time with the children, and loss of resources as there are now two households. In divorce there is clearly a losser financially. The laws are set up such that the partner earning the larger wage must usually pay the other spouse a large percentage of their income. Results could take the form of living in a house to having to move to an apartment. There is also commonly a winner and loser in custody of the children. If there is great animosity between parents a single parent may receive very limited access to the children, such as a weekend or two a month. If this was the case for your father he found himself in a position where he was experiencing a great negative financial impact and limited access to you. You viewed it as going from loving parent to loving parent. He possibly found himself living in a shabby apartment, seeing you several days a month and wallowing in angst the rest of the time. This is very painful.
Possible emotions your father was feeling was sadness, anxiety, anger from the failed marriage, loss of the family unit, and loss of access to you. There was probably a great deal of resentment and anger toward his former spouse. These emotions are sometimes overwhelming they are hard to contain and can overshadow the love and concern the parent should have for the child. It is possible your father found these emotions too much to cope with. That in the situation he could not be the father he should be. Not everyone is capable of successfully dealing with every situation they encounter in life (even though society says love of a child can overcome all - MYTH). People have limited capabilities. Your father walked away from the situation and his lack of desire to communicate with you is most likely shame. It is not an absence of love for you as you may be believing. Your father may believe you are going to remind him of his inability to meet his obligations, that he lacked the capacity to overcome the situation, or you as a person may remind him of his former loss and pain. He may feel he does not deserve your love or the priviledge of having you in his life. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU AS A PERSON. You have not done anything wrong, you were a child with no choices in the situation. You are in no way deficient or in no way not deserving of love, even though is easy to perceive it that way for you.
If seeking acceptance, love and approval from your father you may never get it. If you wish a relationship with you father a suggest you write him a letter telling him you don't know or care about what happened in the past. That you are currently (or turning into) a mature, capable adult and wish to have an adult - adult relationship with him, looking forward not back. He is likely a man deeply shrouded in pain and shame.
We do not choose our parents. Imperfect parents can be overcome. You have what you need inside yourself and with your faith in god. People can and will let you down. You were born alone and will die alone and then enter the kingdom of our lords. Don't let this situation cause you to start attempting to assess blame in the situation to your father or mother...and certainly not on yourself. Also don't seek relationships with men attempting to obtain the approval from them you did not get from your father. Don't numb your pain with physical pleasures or drugs. Deal with you pain through counseling, support groups and let your pain strengthen you. Remember Joseph's brothers betrayed him (they threw him down a well!) He succeeded in life through his faith in the lord and then forgave his brothers them when he could have executed them.
While I don't know your specifics, I hope these general concepts are helpful. I will pray for you.
Yours in Christ, Dr. T.
|